Only Questions

Do you know how much I miss you? Have you seen me, in your head, lying awake at four, five, six A.M. because I can’t even get past you to get to bed? Do you see me there, on my green bed sheets – your favorite color – and under my yellow comforter – my favorite color – wishing we’d touch each other so protectively and safely like they do – and how you used to make me feel? Have you felt me watching you through your mind as I feel you watching me through mine? Do you know that I know that you’ve been doing the same thing? Do you even know that I know you know I know that about us? Do you know how often I break down? Declare I can’t go on? Then pull myself together again because I know you don’t seem to like who you are and you want to be different for me? Why can’t time fix us? Why can’t we go back? Back to when we were us? You and me, and happy? Before we ruined things together – accidentally – slowly – but also all at once? Why do I now have to watch our lives tumble around relentlessly because we’re separate? Why are we separated? Do you know that I know that we both think God wants us to be together? Why did He put this barrier between us, wanting us to suffer trying to work out something that is impossible? Do you know why?

Did you see when I defended you against someone who wrote the hateful things I didn’t understand on your door? Do you remember how good and warm and right it felt to kiss each other – and how often we did that for so perfectly long? Or was that all a lie too? Why can something so painful even happen? Why can’t you tell me why? Why do I envy the girls getting beaten by their boyfriends? Or men getting shot in war? Do you know I know how fucked up that is? Do you agree that being broken is better than what we are going through together while completely apart? Do you understand that when you replaced me – I died? Do you care that you killed most of me? Do you know that I walk around every single day now, pretending you never existed? Because how can I exist without you? How can I live – when you were me?

Do you know why I turned over all of our old pictures? Do you realize that doing that doesn’t matter – because I can still see every outline, crease, and feeling? Why are we allowed to capture only for a short time a happiness that we cannot keep forever? Why was I unlucky enough to find everything that fit exactly as it was supposed to except when it didn’t? Why do people believe that if they are honest in their love and try to do the right thing then bad things won’t happen? Why are we so naive? How were we so in love with each other, when you couldn’t ever really “be in love” with me? Why did you “choose” me? Why did you find me? Why did you do this to me? How can you sleep knowing you deceived me? Betrayed me? Loved me? Tortured me? Grew with me? Hated me? Connected with me? Needed me? Hated me for needing me? Not needing me at all, as it turned out? Lived a completely different life you hid from me?

Why did you make this my nightmare? Why was I the one you used and threw away? There were so many girls who wanted you and you knew that, right? So why did you attach to me? How am I not supposed to hate you forever because I love you so Goddamn much and you let me go anyway? What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life when I know that every single time I look at you I see the future of fantastic everything we would have had? Knowing that I will miss us forever? That we were the most fun I had ever had and will never have again? And what am I to do now that I know you are the worst thing that ever happened to me? How do you live with yourself – when you know that I am the only person who will ever really know you – but you chose someone else? Or am I mistaken? Was anything real? When will you admit it? When will you apologize? Why won’t you say it to my face? Why won’t you tell me the truth? Why am I still confused? Why?

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