Last night I posted some pretty intimate material about a previous relationship of mine. What started out as an exercise in attempting to make myself look bad through writing about my relationship through my ex-boyfriend’s eyes turned into a kind of hate-fest towards him in my class. What’s worse — for someone who wants to put good energy out into the world — I came up short in that post.
I have been spending a lot of time…too much time…thinking about all of the ways that I missed him and the things I learned from him, the things he did for me, how he was basically amazing. But that was really bad for me. Because it was only one-sided. I was only thinking of the good — now that he is gone.
So, I tried an exercise trying to see myself through his eyes. I didn’t think I painted myself in a good light. I did think I wrote down what his thought processes truthfully had been, as explained to me, by him. But he came off as such, well, an asshole.
My problem is, I don’t think of him that way. But maybe by writing what I did and sharing it with eight people so far removed from anything having to do with us was exactly what I needed. Because they asked me important follow-up questions about my piece (and thus relationship). They made me open my eyes in a new way to what had been going on between us, and it was clearly not even close to being healthy.
In fact, to say my classmates were “disturbed” by how both of our “characters” interacted with one another is an understatement.
I apologize if my writing last night made it seem like my ex was a monster and I wasn’t. I DO see myself as a monster. But at least by work-shopping parts of my life in a therapeutic way, I found a healthier thing to do than count the ways in which I am now lacking.
And I have hope.