As I am — one by one — turning all of my clocks back an hour, I find myself trying to appreciate the extra hour of sleep I will get tonight (only to be lost again in the Spring), but, I’ll take it.
We’re always encouraged to put new batteries in our smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors this time of year. But I rent. And I have more detectors that are not active than ones that are — thanks to my Landlord. So now, I’m anxious that I have to deal with THAT! So guess what! I just won’t. I’m being honest.
I hate the loss of light as we hurdle towards Winter — (a season I enjoyed with my most recent ex-boyfriend, (who I am now having the fucking worst separation anxiety from by the way), but otherwise despised). And I still despise it now that it’s coming up.
Unless, my life turns around in some really significant ways really soon.
Those of us suffering from mental illness can, sometimes, suffer more in the Winter than in other seasons due to loss of light. Seasonal Affective Disorder, they call it, or, S.A.D. (Freaking really, psychiatrists or whoever writes the freaking DSM?! LAME-O name-o.)
Speaking of loss, I was talking to my neighbor who had gotten to “know” my ex-boyfriend when he lived here with me and since he has left she and I have become very close, since we’re kind of in the same situation, except she has different things to deal with than I do.
Very recently, this neighbor asked me during one of our heart to hearts, at what moment I knew I was going to be “okay” enough to let my ex leave. I told her I wasn’t sure and I thought about it for a bit.
Finally, I said, “I think it was when I was so frustrated with the lack of lighting in the apartment, and I kind of ‘woke up,’ you know, like had a revelation or something, kind of like I snapped out of a fog I had been in since my Dad died, and I realized that I could have bought myself a fucking light — or more than one — when we moved in like five years ago, and I literally had the thought, ‘just buy a fucking light!’ — and I did. And since then I bought 6 more lamps to place around the apartment.
She laughed SO HARD at that, and I still don’t really understand why. She says it to me when she sees me now. “Just buy a fucking light!” and she laughs!
But I needed to do that for myself. I had always hated how dark this apartment had been. Always. But I NEVER thought to do anything about it, and I NEVER took any action about it (something I am just coming to terms with about many things I didn’t do during my time here with my ex) — I just complained about it whenever it was least convenient for me to have such little light (when I was taking photos or coloring or writing — a ton of things I wanted more light for).
Do you have any idea how much happier I am with AT LEAST two standing or table lamps in every room?! I’m disgustingly happier. (I also redecorated nearly all of the apartment which I admit, helps a lot too.) My ex might be able to tell you in which room the above picture was taken in, but that’s about all he’d recognize.
Light isn’t just this thing that comes in and out of our lives. (Well, I guess literally, it is.) Light can be annoying for people trying to sleep, or watching a movie, or a million other reasons. But it can also make you smile when you walk into a room that you’ve never smiled walking into before. And by you — I mean me.
As lame as “S.A.D.” sounds, it is a real affliction, and it affects a LOT of people, especially after daylight savings time passes — after Halloween now — (not like when I was a kid and Pluto was a Planet! — still is to me — and Pluto even has its own stamp — haters — so — what does that tell you?).
Light, around your apartment or house, can be instrumental to helping those with Seasonal Affective Disorder, or those of us with other types of mental illnesses, like me, afflicted with Major Depressive Disorder, plus a lot of other shit I’m diagnosed with but not ready to share here yet.
So, don’t underestimate the impact of a few more lamps in your life. It could have a major impact on you and those in your family or those who live with you. I can swear by it — for at least two months now.
I guess what I’m saying is: let there be light!!!!!!!!!!!
Especially since it’s going to be a lot darker outside, a lot earlier.
You deserve it.