I Guess This is Just A Hail Mary on Sunday Night

My ex texted me the following: (__________________________________) <— fill in whatever you think he said, here. I’M HERE TO INSPIRE AND CREATE, PEOPLE! LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN AWAY WITH YOU! MY RESPONSE MAY HELP YOU CREATE THE CRAZIEST OR MOST AMAZING STORY EVER! YOU WON’T BE BORED IF YOU CARE!

I, then, brought up a very sensitive topic we had been, in my opinion, fighting most prominently about prior to his leaving this apartment, and our relationship (yes, in that order).

Feeling brave, the next day I reached out.

TIME OUT.

My Mom has, with SO much love advised me to “leave him alone” and “not to engage with him” and “not to idolize him” — and, most importantly, (for real for real), to “remember that he never wanted to give [me] what [I] want,” in my not so young life — a husband — and children, if I am able to have them. She reminds me that I need a commitment to that! And when he could not accept or provide it or simply give that to me, he left me.

My Mom is RIGHT. We had MANY problems beyond that, as I am more and more clearly seeing, but that was the most significant in my eyes. He was happy to “play house” and drag me along until I WOMANED THE FUCK UP AND DEMANDED LIFELONG AND CHILD-BEARING COMMITMENT, which was, something I had told him I wanted for a long time prior to our break-up.

At one point he even mentioned engagement rings. I don’t know how he justifies the difference between then and now. I probably never will. He just insults me if I ask.

Being Uniwue.jpg

The uphill battle? I attempted it. I thought, “hey, kiddo, the haters (read: my most cherished friends and family), are pessimistic, and they don’t know him like you do.” But the truth is, if I, had heard, what I was saying to one of my friends, I would have thought that person didn’t deserve my friend, either. (I ask that you read my above words carefully and correctly: e.g. “what I was saying” versus “what was happening.”)

And I would have had NO fucking problem telling that friend, too. I would have done anything to protect her.

TIME IN.

I told him I remembered something that I wish we had tried to work out.

He replied that he didn’t “know what to say to that,” adding, “we were working on more pressing matters.”

I answered, “We never worked on anything, [my sometimes nickname for him].

As I think more and more about what he said, I still have no — fucking — idea what he’s talking about. I don’t necessarily expect to find out soon, if ever, because he’s like that, but I have NO — FUCKING — IDEA WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT.

Please, help! What can I do to feel better? I so badly want a partner for myself like my Mom found in my Dad. I so badly want a family. I want a career that highlights my favorite things and my talents. I don’t think — after everything I’ve done to get where I am in life — that’s too much to ask. 

I’ve lived my life trying to make other people’s lives better. I can be an angry, vindictive,  and highly anxious person. That doesn’t come without it’s baggage. I know!

I also know — whoever is out there “for me” — it’s worth it. I’m worth it.

Peace and love, and one of my favorite “mantras,” PAY IT FORWARD!

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