Oh, change the “n” in “loner” to an “s.” That’s better.
I made a promise to myself that I would be candid and honest in this space. If I cannot be honest in my writing, where can I be? Besides, I truly do believe that pretending everything is one way when it’s actually another, causes a lot of problems.
That doesn’t mean everything sucks, or is scandalous. It’s just true.
Full disclosure, I am a loner. Big time. My entire life I’ve simultaneously wanted to be left completely alone (which makes this living-on-my-own set-up pretty sweet), while also wanting to be surrounded by friends and family and people who love me. I have almost no luck, if any at all, with the second part.
I’ve been asking everyone I know (including, humiliatingly, on social media, and people who I know because they work at places I frequent and we’ve talked and become close) FOR WEEKS if they would accompany me to this concert I’m going to tomorrow, for O.A.R., my favorite band.
I’ve solicited “dates,” but I wasn’t expecting something romantic. Just ANYONE who cared enough to not force me to be alone…anyone who cared whether I was alive or dead. Anyone willing to come with me who is part of my life would have been awesome, if not a complete relief.
Guess how many people got back to me? ZERO. NONE. ZILCH.
Do YOU, Reader, know what that kind of non-feedback does to someone like me? Someone who already thinks she’s a burden to be around, because, why the FUCK would ANYONE like or want to be around ME?!
I guess they don’t. I guess they wouldn’t.
I haven’t written in this fucking blog in over a week.
I’ve had some exceptional struggles with my depression the past four days. One of them being that I can’t get out of bed because my body won’t let me while my mind is turning on itself. Another is speaking with my ex, and realizing he doesn’t fucking give a fuck whether I live or die.
And this shit?! This shit certainly doesn’t help.
But the worst?
The worst feeling, is knowing that I have NO, that means ZERO, persons in my life who want to give up a Friday night for me.
Who can’t do me a solid.
Who can’t make me feel loved, or safe, or not like a completely alone loser (waiting to die, way past my prime to find a husband, and to start procreating which puts a bigger and bigger hole in my chest every time I think about it, and all of that shit).
Not a single fucking person reached out to my plea of “please don’t make me go to this concert alone.” I have a $300+ dollar ticket which I am not asking for anyone to pay for to go with me.
I just wanted a companion, so I don’t have to walk to and from the venue, alone, at night.
I WILL feel unsafe. I will feel unloved. I’ll probably cry throughout the whole fucking thing.
Who has two tickets for themselves?
And I guess that’s because I am a loser.
But I’m going anyway. Because fuck all of you assholes who wouldn’t volunteer.
I swear to God that if something happens to me, at least now I know I won’t be missed.
And don’t you dare say I’m being dramatic. You wouldn’t last a second if I actually tried to be. I’m being level-headed. There’s no way someone is well thought of and also intentionally disregarded. Maybe this will be my last post.
So, thanks, world. Thanks, “friends.” I couldn’t feel worse about myself. Sleep tight.