What. A. Loner.

Oh, change the “n” in “loner” to an “s.” That’s better.

I made a promise to myself that I would be candid and honest in this space. If I cannot be honest in my writing, where can I be? Besides, I truly do believe that pretending everything is one way when it’s actually another, causes a lot of problems.

That doesn’t mean everything sucks, or is scandalous. It’s just true.

Full disclosure, I am a loner. Big time. My entire life I’ve simultaneously wanted to be left completely alone (which makes this living-on-my-own set-up pretty sweet), while also wanting to be surrounded by friends and family and people who love me. I have almost no luck, if any at all, with the second part.

I’ve been asking everyone I know (including, humiliatingly, on social media, and people who I know because they work at places I frequent and we’ve talked and become close) FOR WEEKS if they would accompany me to this concert I’m going to tomorrow, for O.A.R., my favorite band.

I’ve solicited “dates,” but I wasn’t expecting something romantic. Just ANYONE who cared enough to not force me to be alone…anyone who cared whether I was alive or dead. Anyone willing to come with me who is part of my life would have been awesome, if not a complete relief.

Guess how many people got back to me? ZERO. NONE. ZILCH.

Do YOU, Reader, know what that kind of non-feedback does to someone like me? Someone who already thinks she’s a burden to be around, because, why the FUCK would ANYONE like or want to be around ME?!

I guess they don’t. I guess they wouldn’t.

I haven’t written in this fucking blog in over a week.

I’ve had some exceptional struggles with my depression the past four days. One of them being that I can’t get out of bed because my body won’t let me while my mind is turning on itself. Another is speaking with my ex, and realizing he doesn’t fucking give a fuck whether I live or die.

And this shit?! This shit certainly doesn’t help.

But the worst?

The worst feeling, is knowing that I have NO, that means ZERO, persons in my life who want to give up a Friday night for me.

Who can’t do me a solid.

Who can’t make me feel loved, or safe, or not like a completely alone loser (waiting to die, way past my prime to find a husband, and to start procreating which puts a bigger and bigger hole in my chest every time I think about it, and all of that shit).

Not a single fucking person reached out to my plea of “please don’t make me go to this concert alone.” I have a $300+ dollar ticket which I am not asking for anyone to pay for to go with me.

I just wanted a companion, so I don’t have to walk to and from the venue, alone, at night.

I WILL feel unsafe. I will feel unloved. I’ll probably cry throughout the whole fucking thing.

Who has two tickets for themselves?

And I guess that’s because I am a loser.

But I’m going anyway. Because fuck all of you assholes who wouldn’t volunteer.

FUCK. YOU.

I swear to God that if something happens to me, at least now I know I won’t be missed.

And don’t you dare say I’m being dramatic. You wouldn’t last a second if I actually tried to be. I’m being level-headed. There’s no way someone is well thought of and also intentionally disregarded. Maybe this will be my last post.

So, thanks, world. Thanks, “friends.” I couldn’t feel worse about myself. Sleep tight.

3 thoughts on “What. A. Loner.

  1. I am a loner for sure, and have experienced a similar situation. I prefer solitude but sometimes when I really, REALLY crave company, not even crave, but need! I am almost always disappointed as it’s very difficult to meet up with people. Part of the problem is the few friends I have are already married and have busy family lives, or have a boyfriend they spend most of their time with. And I think now more than ever, people are terrible at making commitments. I have experienced lots of last minute cancellations, “oops I forgot,” and such. Some of these people have no idea how depressing that can be for me – how much I look forward to some company. I am also feeling that pressure as a childless 30-something gal who lives alone, so I feel ya. You should check out LonerWolf.com, it’s not even for people who are necessarily loners, but it has lots of great articles that I find comforting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for you comment and the information. I will definitely check it out! I really appreciate it! You are so right, too. My best friends don’t live near me — like not even in the same state, so that’s a big issue for me. I’ve been talking to my best friend all day because she definitely would have come with me if she were here and she’s always super supportive and there for me, so I consider myself lucky to have her in my life. Many of my friends are married, most with children, and although I’m incredibly happy for them, I always end up thinking, “what is wrong with me that I don’t have that?” I definitely feel you. Thanks again for your comment 😊!

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      1. No problem, I have been as angry, frustrated, and sad for sure. My best friend lives pretty close but she’s in school full time and working full time and lives with her boyfriend. I see her every 3 months it seems like, and miss her dearly. It’s hard to make new friends when you’re not out and about socializing and most of your hobbies are solitary activities. I’m glad to hear you do have a best friend you can talk to. Mine is so busy if I text or leave a voicemail I may not hear back for a week, haha. I’m also happy for my friends who have started their own families, but it’s easy to feel forgotten and left in the dust. I trust that the right person will come along when I least expect it, so I just do my own thing and try to focus on my hobbies in the meantime, and be the best version of me that I can. I did meet a fella recently (in a completely unexpected place) but it’s only the beginning so we’ll see how it goes. 😊

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