This is my plea for forgiveness.
I have to come to grips with my reality, AND I want to set the record straight before I let go.
I have been what I consider MY WORST self lately.
I’m not proud of me.
I’m not proud of what I’ve written. Dragging people’s names through the mud, so to speak.
I have deleted the post that I’ve gotten more hits on in the past 48+ hours than I have since the first time I wrote about my sister.
Of course she wasn’t the only person I attacked and blamed for what I described as terrible behavior in that post. It wasn’t a good look for me.
I feel sick about the traffic on my page due to that “Takedown Piece,” (see “The Newsroom,” for the reference).
After some not-to-be-taken-lightly thinking, I justified my actions by telling myself that MY out of character behavior was a direct result of the behavior of others.
But, regardless of my opinions of those people, regardless of their behavior, their actions, or otherwise, I forgot something.
I AM IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE ANYONE.
I wasn’t raised that way.
I wasn’t brought up to tear anyone else down.
I was brought up to be kind.
NO. MATTER. WHAT.
And my behavior as of late, has taken parts of myself I can’t, and won’t, ever get back.
I don’t feel sorry for myself.
I have never thrown myself a “pity party,” (though a number of relatives who I was finally honest with about their “Christian based” bigotry), might disagree.
And, perhaps, most importantly, I am not making excuses for myself.
To those I have hurt with my words, I deeply apologize. This is not a plea for your specific forgiveness. Even if you were willing to give it, I don’t want it. I will come to terms with my sins when I meet my death.
Gary truly made me a better person when he was around because he spoke the truth, for better or for worse. He world tell me, “eff that person,” or, “you’re too hard on that person.”
One thing. I had to saw apart this GORGEOUS shelf we made together, in order to move to be with my baby kittwins. From this:
Ouch. That really hurt. So that’s a thing that happened. Anyway.
I judge people. We all do. It’s part of our socialization.
I’m not saying whether it’s right or wrong.
I don’t think anyone can help it. (But I do think the torture of law school makes that judgment “gene”(?!?!?!) harder to fight, urging us to become self-righteous vigilantes).
But I’m going to leave that “job” to anyone else right now.
All that being said:
I am truly, most sincerely, sorry for any words I’ve said or actions I’ve taken that have hurt other people, especially anyone alluded to, specifically, in my blog.
This blog was supposed to be my story. I thought I was being true to that.
But now? I believe I was truly behaving aggressively toward others I love and care about (rapists I mentioned along the way excluded).
Many months ago, I was told by several people to “put my oxygen mask first,” you know, that allusion to ✈️ turbulance…imminent death…the cast of “LOST.”
I think that I took that advice way too far.
I warped it to mean, “say exactly what you think, consequences be damned, choose you first, forget what you’ve done before, take the reigns and go.”
I allowed myself to be SO selfish, that I lost myself.
Like, REALLY lost myself.
And I have to cope with that. I hope I can.
Yes, I am deeply suffering.
But, I’ve gotten off track, and it’s time to correct my course.
So I’ll go back to telling MY story. NOT those of others.
Obviously, I don’t live in a vacuum. People will come up in my narrative.
But I’m done calling people out. (I hope.) And I really want to change back to being a person I’m proud of after all.
Do I have excuses? Absolutely? Will I share those excuses? Absolutely. But do any of them justify what I’ve done?
I don’t think so.
But I won’t judge you if you do.
PART II is next.