I’m lovesick. It hurts. I’ve tried. There’s no getting over it this time.
Mother’s Day is a difficult day for, like, almost everyone I know.
Segues are weird.
My two best friends lost their Mothers tragically, and not long ago, and I ache for them both on this day.
My Mom lost her Mom at eighteen.
A close friend and one of my heroes lol lost her Mom this year to Parkinson’s.
Someone I volunteered with at the Rape Crisis Center — back in the day — had no less than five miscarriages. Once, she delivered a baby to term, only to have it die from SIDS three days later.
My Godmother abandoned her station (read: me — she abandoned me) this year because I asked her publicly to stop saying things to me like, “stop throwing yourself a pity party.”
I have fucking Fibromyalgia+++++. It’s hard not to complain and be angry, even on a good day. You know, the days I can walk. It’s not a fucking game.
I’m tired of placating her backwards-thinking-ignorant-of-anyone-else’s-situation ENTIRE immediate family’s views on EVERYTHING anyway. It’s a full time job in and of itself. (Again, don’t be an asshole if you don’t want me to call you an asshole.) I’m NOT my Mom. I can’t always be the nicest quietest person in the room. I can be that person. But not even close to always. Sometimes, if I’m going through it, and you push me too far, I just stop giving a fuck.
I know I could be better.
But I’m not.
I’m just killing relationships left and right.
Don’t think that’s lost on me, oh haters who read this blog.
My brother has never really been into planning anything.
And when I called my sister last week, because I missed her, she told me she decided she wants me out of her life forever. Cooooooooooooooooool.
For the past five years, the love of my life (quotes gone now — as opposed to months ago — because it’s a fact that he is, I’ve realized) and I, celebrated both of our Mothers according to their schedules.
Gary. The love of my life.
Our first Mother’s Day celebration, (I think it was Mother’s Day), that we spent at his parents’ house, was a truly magical one. We were still in that honeymoon phase.
Thinking of that this year, the first time I can’t have it, breaks my heart twelve ways to Sunday. So Mother’s Day was a bit hard on my heart this year, to say the least.
I loved Gary so much.
That first year.
I still do. I never stopped. I just got stuck.
I think about him every single day. I write letters to him whenever I wish I could talk to him or tell him something. They’re all in a journal.
And maybe he hates me and I’ll never hear from him again.
THAT — would be really inconvenient because I still have so much of his stuff. He was going to come back for it. He said he’d be back for it. But he NEVER came back. So I have everything. (Including things, like, his deceased now(?) Grandfather’s hats.)
But mostly, it would break my heart FOREVER. Not in a hypothetical way.
In a, “maybe I’ll be lucky enough to stumble upon someone who gets me enough to build a life with, but I will always carry a huge emptiness inside,” way.
In a, I would literally do ANYTHING to make it work, way.
In a, willing to move to the city with him to accommodate his work schedule, way.
In a, taking all the blame for everything and signing a relationship “pre-nup,” way. (And that’s saying a lot because I’m a lawyer.)
I love him with everything I’ll ever have.
And I’m terrified it’s too late.
I even texted him today for the first time in months and months.
I didn’t get a response which is actually preferable to a “go away forever” response.
Maybe I’ll get that go away forever response eventually.
But for now: I hope.
So, for Mother’s Day this year, for the first time in my life, it was just my Mom and me.
And we probably had one of the nicest weekends a mother and daughter could have.
No family drama.
We kept it low key, but significant.
I put a lot of effort and thought into everything I did for her (as I try to do for everyone in my life) and she appreciated it all.
I am so sick right now.
My Fibro has kicked into overdrive. You don’t wanna know about it here.
But I gave two good full days to the weekend. I know I’ll be paying for it for days. I know, because I already am.
I have four important things I need to do today and I’m all out of 🥄s already. (Look it up if you’re curious; it’s a Fibro thing. My attempt to explain — would be terrible.)
I regret nothing.
Because I know I only have one Mom.
And I’m so lucky to have one who is 100% in my corner about EVERYTHING.
It’s no secret that O.A.R. is my favorite band. I have written about them a lot. They “recently” dropped a new album called, “The Mighty,” which is only ten songs long, but I love almost every single one, if not every single one, which is a rarity when it comes to me and albums.
But the title to this blog is from a song off that new album.
🎶All because of you 🎶
I took my Mom for a drive on Saturday and we listened to the album because it was gorgeous here. My Mom loves the band too, she always tells me when I have her listen. Now if only I could get her to a concert!
✌️ and ❤️ to ALL.