Up is Down. Don’t ask my opinion. Don’t ask me to lie, then beg for forgiveness. For making you cry.

Happy mid-December 2019 y’all! What a year. I tallied 4/365 days this year that I felt “well” and that were good days for me in 2019.

I count.

I’ve always been terrible at math — something every law professor I ever had made a joke about in at least one lecture during the semester, which I always thought was odd as Hell — but I digress.

I had less than 1/52 weeks of “feeling good” time during this year we called 2019 (so far, anyway 🤞).

But I am SO grateful for those 4 days.

I keep telling and retelling the following “story” lately because it continues to be relevant and because I think it’s funny. And it is funny because of it’s veracity.

One day, longer into our relationship than I would have expected, my ex said to me, “you know…I used to think you were complaining and mad and yelling all the time, but then I realized that’s just how you talk.” Why did that guy stick around so long?! 😂

So when I say I’m grateful for the 4 days, you should believe that I’m not complaining or being sarcastic; you should believe me.

It could have been worse.

I could have had 0/365 days.

This is another post about my ex.

But in a way I have not yet written about him.

I love movies.

LOVE THEM.

I’m not a harsh critic, so I enjoy so many of them.

I still have a Netflix DVD/Blu-ray delivery plan — and I read you can’t even sign up for that anymore unless you’ve been a member of said plan for quite some time.

(I’m not even going to fact check that because I’m a middle child and like to — excuse me — need to feel special.)

I also love reading, especially books.

Something super bizarre, even for me, started happening a couple weeks ago.

Or maybe I just noticed it was happening a couple weeks ago.

This thing makes my heart ache, and my stomach queasy.

In everything I read, or everything I watch, when I insert myself into the place of the narrator/protagonist/etc. (which I think a lot of us do at least occasionally, right?) and whenever I’m assuming the perspective of a broken-hearted person, a hopeful person waiting for THE ONE they love to come back, or even worse, a person mourning a dead character — I’ve been mourning my ex of 5 years in the place of the missing character.

It’s always his face I see in that slot.

You know. Up in that good ole mind’s eye? He’s the one who broke my heart. He’s the one missing. He’s the dead character I’m mourning. He’s all those characters in my mind.

And, like I said, this is new to me. At least consciously.

I’m not talking about for a split second either.

I’m talking about the love of my life (don’t hate me for calling him that LB (if you’re reading this), I know and don’t necessarily disagree with everything you’ve said to me and I love and cherish your support♥️😘 but it’s where I’m at nevertheless) being gone, and my brain reminiscing about my long lost love.

My only long lost love.

The last man standing.

And yet, he’s alive! Which is a great thing!!!!!

But it’s driving me crazy.

I mean…this is me. Happy. At the dentist!

(He’s actually just a really great dentist with a really great staff.) That doesn’t make me any less crazy though.

Because I’m not used to giving up on things when they’re still possible.

I NEVER have and NEVER will be able to do that. I can never give up on someone I love.

(Just like I haven’t given up on my sister. I may be dead to her, but she’s not to me. Another day on those shenanigans.)

Remember the Godmother [the one my Mom supported my Dad in choosing for me] who disowned me this year? I called her two Sundays ago and opened the door. Whether she even touches the doorknob or not is yet to be seen (the call went straight to voicemail, and I haven’t heard back) — but at least I tried.

What else can I do?

But she’s a great example of someone I love who I didn’t give up on. She slapped me in the face — I think because I embarrassed her, very sincerely unintentionally — but I can’t continue living in good conscience knowing I didn’t at least try.

Like I always say — where there’s a WILL — try to get in it. I’m VERY much kidding. That’s awful and I just thought of it right now. My ex and I had the same sense of humor, and I’d venture he’s the only one who would not judge me for that tasteless joke.

I’m a 34 year old single woman and I still do things like this:

so I don’t know what you expect from me.

When I’m using my rational mind — I don’t even think mourning him is all that crazy.

We dated longer and lived together longer than some marriages last.

So, actually, it isn’t so crazy that he could have been my lost love who I mourn.

It happens to people committed to each other for fewer years than we were together all the time.

I’m about to spill a secret, so listen up; I NEVER didn’t think I’d be without him after I was with him.

From the start of the relationship I felt that we would ALWAYS be together, until I died. I swear on my life.

Maybe call that taking him for granted, because maybe I did.

The thought that we’d break up for real was not in my vocabulary of thoughts.

But it was in his.

I hope this passes.

Because unless he comes back, which I refuse to give up on, or lose my optimism about, until I’m actually dead, in one way or another, I’ll always be his.

Queue the lyrics to my song of choice for this revelation:

🎶I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then
But you’d never know
‘Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

I’ll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I’ll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I’ll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I’m older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that everyday’ll get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I’m so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We’ve come so far my dear
Look how we’ve grown
And I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we’re ghosts
‘Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I’m gonna love you till
My lungs give out
I promise till death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
Finally it’s just you and me till we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

Just say you won’t let go
Oh, just say you won’t let go🎶

James Arthur – “Say You Won’t Let Go”

I’m not done looking for a replacement.

But I’m also not accepting resumes while I’m working my program right now.

So, this is just some food for thought that I’m hoping someone reading this relates to during what can be a difficult season for many of us.

🎶♥️✌️ and as always — be good to each other ✌️♥️🎶

2 thoughts on “Up is Down. Don’t ask my opinion. Don’t ask me to lie, then beg for forgiveness. For making you cry.

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