And last night I blacked out in my car. And I woke up in my childhood bed — wishing I was someone else — feeling sorry for myself — When I remembered someone’s kid is dead. Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time. And that’s just how I feel.

I’m singing at a funeral tomorrow

For a kid a year older than me
And I’ve been talking to his dad, it makes me so sad
When I think too much about it I can’t breathe
And I have this dream where I’m screaming underwater
While my friends are all waving from the shore
And I don’t need you to tell me what that means
I don’t believe in that stuff anymore
Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time
And that’s just how I feel
Always have and I always will
I always have and always will
I have a friend I call
When I’ve bored myself to tears
And we talk until we think we might just kill ourselves
But then we laugh until it disappears
And last night I blacked out in my car
And I woke up in my childhood bed
Wishing I was someone else, feeling sorry for myself
When I remembered someone’s kid is dead
Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time
And that’s just how I feel
Always have and I always will
I always have and always will
And it’s 4 A.M., again
And I’m doing nothing
Again

“Funeral” – Phoebe Bridgers

Friends: How IN pain must one be to hurt oneself?

You tell me.

Please.

I can’t speculate.

I’m not a good source to speak to that for basically EVERY reason.

But I wonder.

I’ve ALWAYS wanted this to be an honest and raw space where I share my feelings and am open to accepting yours.

That being said — all I want you to know is that I see unlimited ways for one to hurt oneself intentionally. In fact, as a writer most of my summer was spent researching EXACTLY that topic, specifically as it relates to men — and believe me — it fucked me up so much I’ll never be the same.

And maybe that’s ok. And maybe it’s not. I don’t know.

Here are my findings regarding how people (100% non-judmentally — for real) cope with life and existence in my own personal experiences only:

  1. Sex.
  2. Alcohol use.
  3. Phone use while in someone’s company.
  4. TV addition.
  5. Addiction to sex with people who are not me.
  6. Intentionally putting oneself in a situation that one KNOWS will totally make their life worse but choosing it anyway.
  7. Scars (from the before times).
  • **Author’s Note**: As I continue to think about this particular post this list may grow longer and change order. Just deal. You’ve been warned.

And P.S.: I’m saying that’s the order in which I saw and watched these people (again, mostly men) experience self harm from most potent to least.

I’ll answer any questions you may have regarding same.

Finally, everyone except one guy I “met” up with, had weed and offered me some. Every. Single. Man.

Except the dude who was in a sober program who I lied to who I met up with and got drunk πŸ™„classicallyπŸ™„ without his knowing just to not have to sleep alone after my friend died.

Fuck me.

And guess what.

I’m glad.

Fact.

Marijuana IS infinitely better for EVERYONE than alcohol.

Look on the (United States) government’s website.

Seriously.

Look.

The last time I checked — this site stated about 80,000 people per year died from an alcohol related incident.

And guess how many people died from using marijuana! 0. Zero people die in a year from weed. But don’t trust me. Check your government’s website to confirm.

Oh. And by “me” (stated above) I MEAN not me. Asking for a friend.

Promise.

β™₯️🎢✌️

5 thoughts on “And last night I blacked out in my car. And I woke up in my childhood bed — wishing I was someone else — feeling sorry for myself — When I remembered someone’s kid is dead. Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time. And that’s just how I feel.

  1. I am touched by this post, it reminds me of the lost soul I once was. The answer for me was a spiritual quest, which many avoid at all costs even to find a way to exit this realm. Suffering for me was derived from a resistance to what is and until I accepted myself as I was I could not change. My entire blog is a chronicle of my journey/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m excited to read more of your writing. And I’m all for spiritual enlightenment. I thought I had what I needed in that arena for most of my life and then I just…didn’t. Thank you for your comments and for reading!!!!! β™₯️🎢✌️

      Like

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