Family?! Where?

My Mom just told me I have a substantial stomach and I feel really horrible about myself because of it.

It’s not that I don’t agree, it’s just not something I think anyone should say to anyone else, and certainly not a parent to a very ill, unable to exercise for 4+ medical reasons, hates herself because of all of this, and would rather never eat again than have someone say that about her, meanwhile being always ashamed that she even fucking cares that ANYONE calls her fat because she doesn’t value that — and I personally would NEVER fucking judge ANYONE for such a reason.

Ugh I feel beyond sick.

As a side note, I was born with a teeth defect.

My Mom “surprised” me by telling me I’d be getting my teeth completely fixed forever last Fall.

It turns out, even a miniscule amount of time in a dentist’s chair, let alone an extended amount of time, can AND likely will trigger PTSD in sexual assault/rape victims — which my DBT therapist told me about — after — through no fault of her own (because how could it have been?!?!?!, honestly, she didn’t know) it was too late to stop the process.

So I go in, they hold me and my tongue down for 6 hours at a time, while I can’t move, escape, cry, leave, move, talk, bite, fight back, etc. as I remember being held down and raped.


After time.

After time.

After time.


And I get infections from it.

And I can’t take “normal” antibiotics because I’ve had c-diff — so I have to take rare ones — and pray to God they work and won’t make me sick.

Infections galore.

Barfing galore.

PTSD galore.

Wanting to implode and disappear forever galore.

Wanting to step outside of my body galore.

So — I have a chronic terminal illness or two or three that make my life miserable daily, and my Mom is at this moment focusing on things like perfect teeth and what she described as a substantial belly.

It’s not like I have to go to my sister’s wedding because I’m not invited.

And it’s not like I have to look thin (and thus by usual standards) for any other reason because quarantine.

So fuck it.

I’m going to eat and FTW.

Be good to each other.


7 thoughts on “Family?! Where?

  1. So weird, but my mom literally criticizes my weight and my teeth also. I was getting ready in the bathroom when I was still a teenager and she came up to me from behind, grabbed my hips, shook them up and down, and said “you have a muffin top!”. And then she laughed at me.
    When I gained excessive weight as a side effect of my anxiety medication she asked me if I was pregnant and told me I look bloated.
    Regarding my teeth, I was talking to her one time when I came home to visit her and after I finished talking she said “you should really go back to the dentist and have that tooth taken care of” because after years of braces my teeth shifted like their supposed to and my one front tooth sticks out a little, but overall my teeth are still straight. It feels horrible, like “that’s what you were focusing on the whole time while I was talking?”.
    My therapist says you can put a wall between you and another person who is toxic, but you can also put a door or a window in that wall and you decide when to open the door and let them in or open the window to them. I tried with the door first with my mom and it didn’t work. Then I closed the door and opened the window to her and that also did not work. So now there is no door or window, just a wall. I’m not saying you should cut your mom out of your life like I did, but just remember you are in control of how and when you let people in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you for sharing your story!!! I’m sorry for all of the environment pain you’ve had to go through as well. Family can be really rough. I am now in DBT therapy and it has helped more than I could have possible ever imagined it would. It’s truly amazing. All I can say is I hope things get better for you, and that I am grateful that you read my blog and can relate to it because that’s always my goal. Believe in yourself!!!!!!!!!! ♥️🎶✌🏻


  2. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much hardship. My heart goes out to you. But I admire your strength and tenacity to carry on. I’ve been following your blog for quite some time, and I think I’ll be following much more avidly now. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

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