My Mom just told me I have a substantial stomach and I feel really horrible about myself because of it.
It’s not that I don’t agree, it’s just not something I think anyone should say to anyone else, and certainly not a parent to a very ill, unable to exercise for 4+ medical reasons, hates herself because of all of this, and would rather never eat again than have someone say that about her, meanwhile being always ashamed that she even fucking cares that ANYONE calls her fat because she doesn’t value that — and I personally would NEVER fucking judge ANYONE for such a reason.
Ugh I feel beyond sick.
As a side note, I was born with a teeth defect.
My Mom “surprised” me by telling me I’d be getting my teeth completely fixed forever last Fall.
It turns out, even a miniscule amount of time in a dentist’s chair, let alone an extended amount of time, can AND likely will trigger PTSD in sexual assault/rape victims — which my DBT therapist told me about — after — through no fault of her own (because how could it have been?!?!?!, honestly, she didn’t know) it was too late to stop the process.
So I go in, they hold me and my tongue down for 6 hours at a time, while I can’t move, escape, cry, leave, move, talk, bite, fight back, etc. as I remember being held down and raped.
And I get infections from it.
And I can’t take “normal” antibiotics because I’ve had c-diff — so I have to take rare ones — and pray to God they work and won’t make me sick.
Wanting to implode and disappear forever galore.
Wanting to step outside of my body galore.
So — I have a chronic terminal illness or two or three that make my life miserable daily, and my Mom is at this moment focusing on things like perfect teeth and what she described as a substantial belly.
It’s not like I have to go to my sister’s wedding because I’m not invited.
And it’s not like I have to look thin (and thus by usual standards) for any other reason because quarantine.
So fuck it.
I’m going to eat and FTW.
Be good to each other.