Author’s Note: This poem/work was originally written on December 5, 2003. Half of my life ago! I like to think my writing has improved so take it easy on 18 year old me!!!!! Most importantly — I AM SAFELY UNDER THE CARE OF DOCTORS 24/7 AND HAVE NO INTENTIONS TO HARM MYSELF OR OTHERS. I simply want to share an old piece of writing. The only thing I’ve added is a title. Enjoy 😊🤞🏻!
(Oh, and this picture below is me in my ex’s t-shirt. It’s one of many he left behind. But this one is particularly special. My sister gave it to him. For Christmas several years back now. Totally normal thing for her to get him, right? LoL 🥴😋🤙🏻!!!!! I happen to think the shirt is funny. In conclusion, my intent is not at all to insult my readers with the phrase.)
You will never know what I’ve been through
Even if I told you
Or even tried to tell you
You wouldn’t really ever know
Not until you’ve cut yourself in secret
And let your most valuable possession bleed without caring that you’re leaking your pain
Wrists are just the tip of the iceberg
I pick away so you can’t see me — melting blood
Yes, for certain these images must stay locked up
You’ll never know what it is to feel me being me when I’m cutting
How my mind has one goal And it’s to feel again
I attack my body to protect me — us
To have and to hold and to lock away for as long as we both might live
And then the smile
It’s just a stain
But it’s MY stain
And you can’t have them — EVER
Images so real I taste them
I never want to, and
I’ll never LET you
Trust me, love
Not unless you enjoy the taste of ashes
Not until you’re ready to inhale blood
I already do
But this won’t kill me
It NEVER will
Instead I’m held prisoner by the cruelest guard
Me forever gagging — me
But never quite letting me drown
As always, be good to each other.
And a special request today: if you’re pretending to be someone’s friend — and you refrain from telling them certain things because you don’t want them to be hurt — evaluate if you’re the kind of person who won’t unleash those truths later.
I ask this of my readers because this situation recently smacked me right in the heart. And it hurt me.
Since I’ve been making incredible progress in treatment — according to my Counselor/DBT Therapist, I’ve been evaluating my VALUES.
One of my values is to be kind.
Revenge, on the other hand, is NOT one of my values, so I’m working on that. I’m likewise working on NOT being reactive to people trying to incite me.
By doing this work, I was able to shut this toxic person down without stooping to their level. I merely replied with “OK. I’m not going down whatever path you’re pulling me toward. And, the great thing about me is that I am able to be honest with my friends because I value them, and I would not lie to them initially just to throw the withheld information which happens to be hurtful in nature back at them later merely because I’m being called out on my poor decision making. I always own my shit. And I can admit when I’m wrong. But I am at peace with the statement that I’m not wrong in this case — and I’m either explaining what I’m saying poorly, or perhaps you’re not willing to hear what I’m trying to say. Either way, it’s fine, but I am done now. This conversation is over.”
Love, music, and always always Peace.