I’m rewatching “Glee.”
I’ve only ever watched seasons 1-3 — or I guess whatever episode it was when Kurt’s Dad almost died (the show aired 10 years ago so if you’re pissed that I didn’t give you a “spoiler alert” notice — get woke 😂😁😝).
Cory Montieth’s death (who was the lead male character in “Glee,” for those of you who don’t know) killed me inside.
I think about him often.
He died from a heroin overdose — after being to rehab AGAIN — another person struggling so hard to feel JUST “OK” (because being “just ok” is quite literally too much to ask for or express; I’m well aware). I read an interview once in which he talked very openly about his drug use prior to “Glee,” telling others that the show helped him get away from all of that and how grateful he was.
And, like Heath Ledger’s death, because he was JUST trying to sleep — needing that SO badly (coupled with the added bonus of my having been on many of the same medications as he was) when he ingested the wrong mix of everything — you know — the ones that killed him — also continues to destroy me as much.
So I’ve avoided it.
But we all have Demons.
I’ve never [intentionally] judged ANYONE who many of you might consider an addict. It’s not fair to them.
To quote Lady Gaga’s song, “TIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU,” made for the movie “The Hunting Ground” about sexual assault on college campuses (a must see in my opinion, as a survivor and as a human being) but is just as applicable in my opinion to drug users, (emphasis added):
🎶You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time
You say I’ll pull myself together, pull it together
You’ll be fine
Tell me what the Hell do you know?
What do you know?
Tell me how the Hell could you know?
How could you know?
You tell me hold your head up
Hold your head up and be strong
‘Cause when you fall, you gotta get up
You gotta get up and move on
Tell me, how the Hell could you talk?
How could you talk?
‘Cause until you walk where I walk
It’s just all talk
‘Til you’re at the end of your rope
‘Til you’re standing in my shoes
I don’t wanna hear nothing from you
From you, from you, ’cause you don’t know
You don’t know
HOW I feel
‘Til it happens to you
You won’t know
It won’t be real
How could you know?
No it won’t be real
How could you know?
Won’t know how it feels
Happens to you
Happens to you, happens to you
Happens to you (how could you know?)
I’ve been so dangerously desperate so many times that OF COURSE I’m going to empathize with them.
And I’ll probably continue to cry, quite literally, for them both from time to time.
I’m facing fears in 2020. And I’m going all out.
THIS is going to be my year.
About to get my hair done by the ONE and ONLY Master so I’m obviously excited out of my fucking mind. Not this exactly but my closest friends know she’s my hair inspiration.
Trying to OWN my treatment and continuing to make my Counselor and Group proud.
Getting more proud of myself for my dedication to “get better,” (which is NOT what we call it in the program but you get the picture), even.
Have the best Mom.
A Brother who fights me constantly but loves me just as much as he fights.
The friends I have are amazing in every way I should hope for.
People care about me more than I thought they might.
So let’s go, 2020.
Time to live a year with no regrets and complete positivity instead — (I know — NOT my strong points since the Hell that was law school, but I’m doing the work and will continue to).
I will keep doing me.
I’m not perfect.
I lie to myself.
But now I KNOW that I lie to myself AND understand the consequences of that — and THAT’S?! — all up in my healing process, not to mention part of my program. And I’m accepting and owning that shit twenty-four seven.
And I will not be silenced or shushed or made to feel that I should apologize for ANYTHING simply by being a woman.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me this year.
So Happy New Year.
And as John Wick might say — and I mean this in THE best way — “BE SEEING YOU.”