All posts by justcallmetaco

About justcallmetaco

I don't fuck around --- not in my writing --- and not in my life. I'm a powerful woman who has finally found herself. I hope you find me too. I'm a Bitch who simultaneously wants to make everyone's life better, every day. I hate everyone until I breathe. It's good that I breathe, like, all the time so far in my life.

Nobody Knows You Better Than Me. Better Than The Lace You Wear. Every Single Detail Chantilly. Every Curl Inside Your Hair.

Topics I Want To Write About For The Hundreds Of People Who Read My Posts (And I’m Very Grateful For That Truth) ASAP:

  • My “Wellness Check” experience and everything about it.
  • My sister.
  • My Fibromyalgia and how my hands are barely functioning.
  • Christmas without….

If You Wait Around Awhile, I’ll Make You Fall For Me. I Promise You; I Will.

The purpose of this past is for one reason only.

I can’t handle being rejected.

I tried to figure out a great metaphor to provide you with a visualization of this feeling.

I failed.

I fail often.

People think I am not aware of my shortcomings, ironically.

I find this incredulous.

My shortcomings are the only things that I am aware of, in fact. Every moment. Every day. In my sleep, every night.

I digress.

The purpose of this post is for one reason only.

To inform.

For your understanding.

It’s astoundingly obvious to me now.

I lash out at everyone and every thing that rejects me.

I spit evil at everyone and every thing that rejects me.

I want to make everyone and every thing that rejects me feel the emotional pain that I feel as a result of said rejection.

So.

If I pretend to hate(???????) you (those who raped, sexually assaulted, or otherwise abused me (and those that protect and defend them) excluded of course) —

That is me reacting to your rejection of me.

That’s all.

The end.

✌️✌️✌️

🎶If you need a friend

Don’t look to a stranger
You know in the end, I’ll always be there
But when you’re in doubt
And when you’re in danger
Take a look all around, and I’ll be there
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me
I promise, I promise you I will
When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I’m gonna always be there
Sometimes if I shout
It’s not what’s intended
These words just come out
With no gripe to bear
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise you I will
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
And if I had to walk the world, I’d make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
And if I had to walk the world, I’d make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise you I will🎶

— “The Promise” by Sturgill Simpson


🎶♥️✌️

I’m A Free Bitch, Baby. And No It’s Not The Good Kind.

I’ve been wanting to write about my online dating experiences since they started.

And then, when I thought I had one crazy but great story, I had another one before I could even write about the first one.

Then another.

Then ANOTHER.

I started needing to take notes🤣🤦!

You get it.

I currently identify as Demisexual.

I’m not going to tell you the definition, so if you care you should look it up.

Regardless of identifying as Demisexual, I’ve been searching solely for a man to bond and hopefully mate with.

Don’t get me wrong.

I think women are hot and beautiful and gorgeous in so many forms.

But I’m not physically magnetically attracted to them the way I am to men.

(Still, I’d rather look at a naked woman over a naked man 2/3 times.)

For a few years I was confused.

I HAVE been totally and COMPLETELY in love with a woman, questioning whether or not I am gay, or bisexual.

Then I met a dude who identified as Demisexual. He explained it to me.

And it finally all made sense.

I’m not asexual — something I believed I might be on and off since high school.

But I’m not.

I also am not into ANYONE who I don’t connect with deeply.

Thus, I’m Demisexual.

Fuck.

I wasn’t going to explain that.

🎶 Do you want to run away together?

I would say it was your best line ever.

Too bad I fell for it.🎶

– The Wreckers “Not the Good Kind”

I have got to stop being with the liars. More soon.

Be good to each other — 🎶♥️✌️

Oh, You Think I’m In Love? You May Say That I’m A Dreamer, But I’m Not.

Maybe you’re a target that I can’t break through.

Maybe you’re the trigger that I can’t undo.

Maybe you’re the end of my “acting out.”

Maybe you’re the person that I’ve fought “being about.”

I hope I can be your faithful someone; because love doesn’t die for me — not at all.

Loving you might hurt me — because it’s so very hard when I fall.

You’re exactly what I need right now; I have actually heard your call.

I know I’m not an easy load; at best? I’m such a haul.

But you? You aren’t like anyone that I’ve ever met before.

We’re playing like two high school kids; we don’t know what we’re getting into but damnit we both want more.

I never like to gamble much preferring Jack to score.

God damnitI’m falling in love and just like every other time I’ve never felt this way before.
🎶♥️✌️

Boy; Have I Been Having Boy Problems.

Hey hey y’all 👋😁!

(Since I was threatened I was tempted to take this down…but FUCK “men.”)

So here goes.

My Ode to Tinder

Everyone thinks they “know” something about tinder.

Except mostly they don’t, as I explain its grandeur.

In my experience, it’s straight up assumptions.

Calm the fuck down; I’m only huntin’.

Even a good friend judged me hard when she heard; she’s been a feminist for some time and I expected more from her.

“That site is only for sex; you won’t find anyone there!” Actually it’s not; but you sure do care.

I remembered how she laughed over the phone. She’d changed a lot recently; then left me completely alone.

But here goes my experience so far, I hope you enjoy it; I’m fighting with legal right now, a man I rejected trying to destroy shit.

I will agree — a lot of members need to grow up; but just leave it alone, man, I’m already drowning in muck.

“I’m not looking for anything serious right now
But I can tell that you are… ”

“Oh thank God you asked me, straight up! Guess how much I can tell you about who YOU ‘are’!
Your assumptions are so literally and incredibly on par.”

“All I’m saying is chill the fuck out, I don’t want you three nights in a row.

“Holy Shit, I have to get this Bitch out; I won’t want her tomorrow!”

“Oh calm the fuck down, nothing’s happening anyway.”

“What do you mean!?!? I thought you wanted to stay!!!”

Meantime, you go to old friends for help; you’re hoping to make your full case before they explain how they felt.

Unfortunately, they’re mostly just looking to fix a me that ain’t broken. If I had it my way this shit wouldn’t need to be spoken.

And the best part of all is, the dude I’d complain about this shit to just died. By mid-September I sat alone at his funeral and cried.

People on Facebook pretending they knew him recently. Jesus Christ, you haven’t talked to him in years so let this man rest again, peacefully.

Him being gone has fucked me up more than anyone knows; when I look in the mirror it’s his reflection that shows.

I cry about it EVERY day, so what’s the solution? They want to send me away — it’ll give them absolution.

But every night now they know I can’t sleep alone; so after 8:00 P.M. men incessantly hit up my phone.

“So who’s this guy?

“Who’s this chump?”

“What the fuck do you care?

“The second I met you I was already dumped.

“I appreciate your candor and compliments, I really do.

“Especially since my online persona is so different than what really makes sense to few.

“You can listen to my voice. You can even observe my actions.

“But don’t say you don’t give a fuck then get all jealous in reactions.

“Report me to Tinder; that’s real fucking cute.

“Oh, shit; I forgot.

“Women are supposed to stay mute.

“Do I ever lay in bed lonely at night?”

Not a fucking chance, haters. You can’t take THIS light.

“I’m growing.

“I’m loving.

“My intentions are pure.

“Ok. They’re not.

“But that’s not what I’m doing this for.

“Honestly, a scary person from that scene will sneak by.

“‘Oh, did I rejet you?!’ PLEASE don’t fucking cry.

“It’s such a shame and I get you had to bring me down too.

“And I know you know that, which is why I ain’t choosin’ you.

“Now this right here is my holiday spirit: Fuck you? Never.

“I need you to hear it.

“But I can’t lie forever.

“FUCK your hold on my shit.”

“I’m going to deal with my injuries in the AM…but don’t you dare wake up acting kind.

“If you take enough drugs — then and only then — maybe you can try to be mine.

“I should be more upset that my project was fucked with.

“Except honestly, most days, it fucks up my shit.

“So just give up your end.

“Give me kisses all the way.

“I’m not worried about this today.

“It’s the night that won’t bend.

“So call me a slut, call me a whore, keep asking where my pussy has been.

“You think I give a FUCK about your uninformed opinion?

“But if you tell me your story and you try honestly —

“Oh wait, that’d be the man [almost ready to be] sleeping in the bed next to me.”

^ JK that man doesn’t exist yet but I’m taking applications and I’m pretty great if I do say so.

🎶♥️✌️

Into Thin Horror

How do you love someone who’s been torturing you emotionally/psychologically too many times to count? I think THOSE two things are the reasons I CAN be distracted.

Distraction kills my anxiety. In fact, it’s the ONLY thing that kills my anxiety.

I’ve lost my eidetic memory.
It’s 99.9% official.
Thanks, disease! Cheers to the Fibromyalgia: which CAN’T be treated, or cured correctly for — etc. etc. etc.— because I, and hundreds of thousands of people wake up EVERY day with SOME kind of bullshit.

I DEFINITELY lost a person I love (and was PROBABLY in love WITH) on 9/3.

https://youtu.be/BF-nZziUCCY
That’s a link to a music video for a song for which I find fitting for the above.

I ALSO haven’t been writing my book and/or writing my blog and/or writing ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL for some time now…

Except for this.

WHAT the ACTUALLY fuck?!

I’m depressed. And I can’t deal with ANYTHING right now.

I look at my phone when I wake up — and THEN??? I feel even MORE dead inside.

I ALSO sulk at the number of (triple digit) men asking me per day — BECAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT MY BREAK-UP WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE — would end in a RETURN.

I’ll never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER — have the ability — nor capacity — to get over, (let’s call him “Gar”, though I’m certain it doesn’t matter).

So, I’m acting out. Spiraling status = ⤵️

I AM, however, working on a project that I think will perfectly compliment my first book so well that perhaps they can be released at the same time.

I don’t care. I just want to be published by NOT myself.

I KNOW I can’t be with Gar. Because apparently, the love of my life, Gar, CAN’T or WON’T be with me.

Sorry for my inexplicably and annoyingly random desire to write this.

Cheers to TCW. I’ll miss       you all               the time.

🎶♥️✌️

On My Non-Existent 6th Year Anniversary. I Think That’s Been Done! I Think That’s Been Dumb! I Don’t Really Know Your Music Like That I Mean, I Don’t Really Know Your Movies Like That. (I Guess I Don’t Really Get What You Do.)

“You know, I used to think that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I think that you might maybe be the worst thing and I’m sorry that I ever met you.”
– Silver Linings Playbook

I imagine on what would have been our 6 year Anniversary today, if he actually ever thought about me, which I’m certain he doesn’t, G-unit would be thinking something similar to the words of that quote.

R.I.P. the only relationship I ever actually believed would make it.

Fffuuuckkkk me.

No matter how many dates I go on — or how much I interact with any of the 300-3,500 guys on EVERY given day doing WHATEVER they CAN to be with me — it unfortunately doesn’t keep G-Unit away.

I feel like fucking Bella in “New Moon” when she aches for Edward and looks thinner than ever and starts doing destructive shit in order to get him out of her mind and/or bring him back.

I’m also really sick of people telling me that I can’t think in “what if’s?” and “maybes.” YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE! AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED. SO STOP.

I’m giving myself the gift of dreaming about saving my relationship if I only had any idea what was going on with my body, my mind, and every other fucking part of my fucking daily life three or four years ago.

You don’t know what it’s like.

Maybe I would have remembered things better.

Maybe my inability to “get going” would have been understood if not forgiven.

Maybe my need to rest or sleep wouldn’t have solely been blamed on my depression.

Maybe I’d have been able to get a healthy job.

Maybe…other things.

What if I hadn’t needed to self medicate?

What if knowing I had Fibromyalgia changed things that were previously misunderstood AND so frustrating that there was no coming back from them after awhile?

What if I had been diagnosed sooner than just about a year ago, after it was too late, and had been treated correctly years earlier than I was?

What if I hadn’t taken his support through everything for granted?

What if he hadn’t broken up with me/left me one day before our 5th Anniversary. (Flowers ARE expensive after all when your girlfriend is your best florist.)

I’m just going to repeat something real quick: I’m really sick of people telling me that I can’t think in “what if’s?” and “maybes.” YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE! AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED. SO STOP.

No matter what, I love and miss you Gar Bear, and I hope know you’re killin’ it — handling your bars♥️

On a completely different note…every member of my family has now expressed that they rather I were gone.

Or unreliable.

Or worthless.

And an unwanted burden.

I mean Hillary, (that’s my sister by birth), flat out told me I am dead to her.

Hard to come back from that.

So, in that vein, it’s good Summer’s ending.

I guess I’m embarrassing because I tell the truth. The truth here. The truth in my writing. And the truth in the book I’m working on, where I play the villain.

Sorry I’m such a disappointment, Mom.

But I’m not embarassed by my mental illness and they shouldn’t be embarrassed by me either.

I’m a person.

I’m hurting, physically, every second of every day. And I’m hurting mentally, more than I can flat out say.

I hope everyone reading this has a significant other, family, family member, or anyone else, who loves them, and wants to be around them.

This endless list of John Does I’m dating is empty and meaningless.

But maybe that won’t be forever.

♥️🎶✌️