All posts by justcallmetaco

About justcallmetaco

I don't fuck around --- not in my writing --- and not in my life. I'm a powerful woman who has finally found herself. I hope you find me too. I'm a Bitch who simultaneously wants to make everyone's life better, every day. I hate everyone until I breathe. It's good that I breathe, like, all the time so far in my life.

Into Thin Horror

How do you love someone who’s been torturing you emotionally/psychologically too many times to count? I think THOSE two things are the reasons I CAN be distracted.

Distraction kills my anxiety. In fact, it’s the ONLY thing that kills my anxiety.

I’ve lost my eidetic memory.
It’s 99.9% official.
Thanks, disease! Cheers to the Fibromyalgia: which CAN’T be treated, or cured correctly for — etc. etc. etc.— because I, and hundreds of thousands of people wake up EVERY day with SOME kind of bullshit.

I DEFINITELY lost a person I love (and was PROBABLY in love WITH) on 9/3.

https://youtu.be/BF-nZziUCCY
That’s a link to a music video for a song for which I find fitting for the above.

I ALSO haven’t been writing my book and/or writing my blog and/or writing ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL for some time now…

Except for this.

WHAT the ACTUALLY fuck?!

I’m depressed. And I can’t deal with ANYTHING right now.

I look at my phone when I wake up — and THEN??? I feel even MORE dead inside.

I ALSO sulk at the number of (triple digit) men asking me per day — BECAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT MY BREAK-UP WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE — would end in a RETURN.

I’ll never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER — have the ability — nor capacity — to get over, (let’s call him “Gar”, though I’m certain it doesn’t matter).

So, I’m acting out. Spiraling status = ⤵️

I AM, however, working on a project that I think will perfectly compliment my first book so well that perhaps they can be released at the same time.

I don’t care. I just want to be published by NOT myself.

I KNOW I can’t be with Gar. Because apparently, the love of my life, Gar, CAN’T or WON’T be with me.

Sorry for my inexplicably and annoyingly random desire to write this.

Cheers to TCW. I’ll miss       you all               the time.

🎶♥️✌️

On My Non-Existent 6th Year Anniversary. I Think That’s Been Done! I Think That’s Been Dumb! I Don’t Really Know Your Music Like That I Mean, I Don’t Really Know Your Movies Like That. (I Guess I Don’t Really Get What You Do.)

“You know, I used to think that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I think that you might maybe be the worst thing and I’m sorry that I ever met you.”
– Silver Linings Playbook

I imagine on what would have been our 6 year Anniversary today, if he actually ever thought about me, which I’m certain he doesn’t, G-unit would be thinking something similar to the words of that quote.

R.I.P. the only relationship I ever actually believed would make it.

Fffuuuckkkk me.

No matter how many dates I go on — or how much I interact with any of the 300-3,500 guys on EVERY given day doing WHATEVER they CAN to be with me — it unfortunately doesn’t keep G-Unit away.

I feel like fucking Bella in “New Moon” when she aches for Edward and looks thinner than ever and starts doing destructive shit in order to get him out of her mind and/or bring him back.

I’m also really sick of people telling me that I can’t think in “what if’s?” and “maybes.” YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE! AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED. SO STOP.

I’m giving myself the gift of dreaming about saving my relationship if I only had any idea what was going on with my body, my mind, and every other fucking part of my fucking daily life three or four years ago.

You don’t know what it’s like.

Maybe I would have remembered things better.

Maybe my inability to “get going” would have been understood if not forgiven.

Maybe my need to rest or sleep wouldn’t have solely been blamed on my depression.

Maybe I’d have been able to get a healthy job.

Maybe…other things.

What if I hadn’t needed to self medicate?

What if knowing I had Fibromyalgia changed things that were previously misunderstood AND so frustrating that there was no coming back from them after awhile?

What if I had been diagnosed sooner than just about a year ago, after it was too late, and had been treated correctly years earlier than I was?

What if I hadn’t taken his support through everything for granted?

What if he hadn’t broken up with me/left me one day before our 5th Anniversary. (Flowers ARE expensive after all when your girlfriend is your best florist.)

I’m just going to repeat something real quick: I’m really sick of people telling me that I can’t think in “what if’s?” and “maybes.” YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE! AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED. SO STOP.

No matter what, I love and miss you Gar Bear, and I hope know you’re killin’ it — handling your bars♥️

On a completely different note…every member of my family has now expressed that they rather I were gone.

Or unreliable.

Or worthless.

And an unwanted burden.

I mean Hillary, (that’s my sister by birth), flat out told me I am dead to her.

Hard to come back from that.

So, in that vein, it’s good Summer’s ending.

I guess I’m embarrassing because I tell the truth. The truth here. The truth in my writing. And the truth in the book I’m working on, where I play the villain.

Sorry I’m such a disappointment, Mom.

But I’m not embarassed by my mental illness and they shouldn’t be embarrassed by me either.

I’m a person.

I’m hurting, physically, every second of every day. And I’m hurting mentally, more than I can flat out say.

I hope everyone reading this has a significant other, family, family member, or anyone else, who loves them, and wants to be around them.

This endless list of John Does I’m dating is empty and meaningless.

But maybe that won’t be forever.

♥️🎶✌️

I Feel…Cold. No, Hot. Dude, Where’s My Sweatshirt?!

“It’s not your home so you should get all your shit out!!!!!!!”

That’s what I want to say to my Fibromyalgia.

I was just reading one of the many forums I belong to for support, and everyone was commenting on and connecting about how our sex lives have changed due to Fibro.

The consensus?

“What sex life?”

There is also a lot of guilt for those of us it affects because of how it affects or had affected our relationships, sometimes tearing them apart.

TMI trigger warning: after a year and a half of telling me it didn’t matter to him, my ex told me he needed sex or the relationship wouldn’t be worth it anymore. Since I couldn’t promise that to him, and I hadn’t even been properly diagnosed yet, that was effectively the literal breaking point.

So, about nine months later, I went shopping. And took this picture of myself. I like the picture, and I like my Converse. I’m pretty sure I noticed for the first time that I lost weight.

I reentered the dating scene with a vengeance. I have talked about some of that, I think, in prior posts. But the one thing I really can’t get over is this double standard of bullshit that exists.

The men I’ve met:

  • want to commit right away
  • don’t want to commit at all, or,
  • maybe want to eventually commit, but don’t want to put a lable on it, and definitely don’t want you seeing or sleeping with other people while they decide if you’re worth it or not.

It’s that last one that is killing me.

I classically enter abusive relationships. They’re not always physically abusive. But they ARE almost ALWAYS psychologically abusive.

Apparently I haven’t learned much after being out of commission for eleven months. I had wanted to take my self-care extremely seriously and to give myself time to heal as a person before jumping back into that dating pool.

And I can get dates, I’ve learned. I can get a ton of dates. Literally over 2,000 dates, and growing.

But, what do I do when the guy I am the most interested in (so I give in to his requirements) not only has me eating out of his dog’s bowl begging for more (while he’s insisting we don’t know each other very well so we should “keep it light”) loses his fucking mind? When he starts changing the words I say to start some kind of fight? When he tells me I’m doing something I’m not actually doing? When he literally tells me to “get out” of his place mid-conversation because he’s decided he’s done with me in that moment and that his needs are more important than mine? And finally, when he tells me that he won’t get tested for STIs even though he wants to have sex because the last thing that he has to hold on to shit about his ex is that she maybe didn’t cheat on him.

Newsflash: you can both be cheated on AND still not get STIs.

None of that sounded extremely healthy to me.

But Jesus Christ.

That’s where I was.

Falling. Too fast. Too hard.

There’s obviously something about him that I really didn’t want to let go of, but maybe I should have much sooner.

I universally idealize the men I date to the point where I’m then idolizing them. I know I do this. I want to be wanted so badly, that I give up vast parts of myself in order to keep partners around. I play the guessing game.

I’m supposed to be in my friend’s wedding in just over a week. I tried on all of these dresses, and now the one I picked doesn’t fit because I lost some weight. Ok. A lot of weight, for two months.

My friend called me fat. So I stopped eating. I don’t enjoy eating anyway. I also stopped caring about myself for awhile. So. Yeah.

Plus, also, I can’t deal with my Fibro right now.

Let’s call this guy I was most interested in, “Binny.” Binny was supposed to come to the wedding with me. He said he would. He claimed he’d help me get through it regarding my Fibro problems. The idea of him being there even gave me hope that I could actually do it without too much stress.

But he fucked it up.

I have another post coming very soon. It’s my commentary on how internet dating has changed since I’d been online dating ten years ago.

It got different. Almost overnight. Like Binny became a totally different person.

He went from asking me to send him texts all night long while he was sleeping (he goes to bed early for the only respectable job he’s ever had, and I am always up late) and all day while he was at work so he would have something to look forward to reading, to, asking me if I ACTUALLY felt that sending him 25+ texts without a response was “appropriate.”

What the actual fuck?! He literally flipped the switch on EVERYTHING. And I have dealt with gaslighting before, but Binny was the King of the strategy of making one (me) feel absolutely insane.

I really don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. I REALLY fell for him. Well, I guess I really fell for the idea of him.

In the beginning, he told me things I’ve heard so many times before.

He cited to me the reasons that I’m amazing.

The ones who I can never seem to “keep” are the ones that fall the hardest for me the fastest. And I knew once I realized he had, it would never last.

It’s really like these guys can’t believe I care about them so they start to treat me like garbage to level the playing field, except I never see it coming until it’s too late. Way, way too late.

Binny vaped. Guess what I do now. I vape. Do you think that’s healthy behavior? I don’t.

But, I also don’t give a fuck anymore.

That’s where I am.

I don’t give a fuck.

For the record, I don’t think this is a good place for me to be.

So, that’s happening.

🎶♥️✌️

Dissecting Why I Want To Dance A little Slower — And Other Orgasmic Thoughts

I went to another O.A.R. concert alone on June 6th, and it was beyond orgasmic. As I told a guy I know through this dating app that had been a whirlwind, who is also a fan, it was better than sex.

He said he felt sad that I had originally had such horrible sex, but he’s an idiot. An OAR concert gets to me in a way no sex ever could.

I’m not saying sex sucks.

I’m not even saying I’ve ever had bad sex.

I’m saying I probably shouldn’t have compared the two. 🤣🤣🤣

It’s, essentially, a testament to the band, that if I had to choose between enjoyable sex and any time they play, I’d take the concert every single time.

In a previous post I mentioned I really didn’t take many pictures except with my friends prior to OAR coming onstage:

Aaaaaaand the video above the above picture is the only video I took that day (which is not visual perfection) because there, alone — I was just rocking the eff out — didn’t care who thought I was a dork, nothing, just happy to be with my favorite band and their amazing fans!

I was out, enjoying ME, (as much as my Fibro allowed).

Also in the news of my life…😎🤣🤗😊😘😍🥰…

Sunday, June 23rd, I met a man who wouldn’t be the worst guy to marry. Or maybe not. I’m wrong all the time.

I opened up my heart to new opportunities.

I went on some very bad dates. I enjoyed them for the most part (because even the bad ones were hilarious), but at the end of the day/night/whatever you call it, last Sunday’s was hands down the best I’ve had in six years.

But I also met another guy who I have so much in common with and am happy to be spending time with. And maybe he’s why I’m wrong in the long run about the above mentioned date. Maybe I met the guy I’m going to marry on June 29th.🌜🌛🤷

I know I’m doing things the way that is honest and good. But I did get the best hug tonight. And human contact, and good hugs, are so freaking great, right?!

Segues are weird.

These are the lyrics to O.A.R.’s song “All Because of You” (which they did not play during the June 6th show but the song IS on their new album, The Mighty): the lyrics will be in italics and my thoughts will not be in italics.

🎶Take, take, take the little moment
Don’t, dont, don’t forget to hold ’em
Stay, stay, stay a little longer – take a moment to appreciate what you have with your significant other, holding your SO means a lot and it’s worth spending time on, don’t be so eager to leave

Can, can, can you hear the night talk?
Two hearts beating on a sidewalk
Put your head on my shoulder – the universe is telling us what’s good between us, we don’t have to say anything as we walk together tonight, I want to be closer to you
I want to matter when we go outside, and – this is REAL
Hold your hand when we say goodnight, and
Tell you how I’m gonna to make our dreams come true – I want to stay close to you, I’m so committed to this that I am going to work on dreams that we share
All because of you
I made a promise in the morning breezes – in a moment, I promised myself, for you
You can have all the space you need, and
You know me better than you’ll ever need to prove – I’ll be good to you, because you have been so good to me
All because of you
All because of you
Wake, wake, wake up to you smiling
Don’t, dont, don’t know where the time went
Can we dance a little slower? – I want to wake up to you smiling, forever, why does time go faster around those we love, can we spend every second of our lives together without it flying by so fast that our bubble of incredible happiness pops?; let’s breathe together for as long as we can
I, I, I’ll be here forever – I’m never letting you down, I’ll be here, I promise myself to you
We’re so good when we’re together – we make each other better
Let me hold you ’til we’re older – let’s do this
I want to matter when we go outside, and
Hold your hand when we say goodnight, and
Tell you how I’m gonna to make our dreams come true
All because of you
I made a promise in the morning breezes
You can have all the space you need, and
You know me better than you’ll ever need to prove
All because of you
(Da da da da da, da da da,
da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da)
All because of you
(Da da da da da, da da da,
da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da)
It’s all because…
I want to matter when we go outside, and
Hold your hand when we say goodnight, and
Tell you how I’m gonna to make our dreams come true
It’s all because of you
I made a promise in the morning breezes
You can have all the space you need, and
You know me better than you’ll ever need to prove
All because of you
I know that I can be a better man, – I want to be my best self for us and
Learn to run when it’s hard to stand, – you’re worth every second of difficulty we go through and
Find the songs in everything you do – I will appreciate you with the purest and must dedicated love I haven’t yet given you
It’s all because of you
I never thought I’d find you in this life – I had given up on being truly happy until I found you
Broken shadows disappear tonight – you make everything feel safe and new
You’re the reason that all my dreams come true – everything good on my life?; it’s all because of you
All because of you
(Da da da, da da da da da, da da da,
da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da)🎶

OR maybe the song’s just about how music is amazing, brings everyone together, and helps the world heal.

I just think it’s super romantic, and, after dissecting it so succinctly, I realize I’d have to write an essay about it to really do it justice.

I’m in trouble. I feel a storm brewing inside me, and it’s going to be something.

When I listened to this song the first twenty times I basically decided it was amazing and then beyond amazing and then wanted to dissect them because I want to probably make this my wedding song. Until they come out with their next and this my next favorite song.

🎶♥️✌️

Farrago (A Confused Mixture) Post EX, Lover.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!! I’m officially 34 years young today!


I’ve been having a really amazing upswing since last week. I hope it keeps going!!! I’m feeling so optimistic!


Last night I went on my first date in six years. Let THAT sink in for a second.

He wasn’t Adam Driver, but, hey, nobody’s perfect.


(If you know anyone who looks exactly like that and is single please let me know ASAP because I would truly yield to everything for all of him.)

Anyway!

It was fantastic. Another guy who was basically worshipping me after everything I’ve been through in the past few years? Yes, please, and thank you. He even was great with my Fibro pain.


Except — who goes out on Mondays? 😉 (It’s a reference to a Chainsmokers song if you didn’t get that.)

He was good looking. He had a stupidly-over-the-top car which always makes me think someone is overcompensating for a PERSONALITY trait.

I’m talking to several guys right now — as it goes with dating apps.

I needed to move way beyond Voldemort. Oh…shoot. I mean He Who Shall Never Be Named Again.

Right now it’s raining outside and it sounds and smells amazing. That means my plants and flowers are being watered.


Random. I know.

I’m owning it today. I don’t think I’ve had a “meaningful” feeling-good-about-it birthday since my sweet sixteen.

I’m not complaining. I’m just telling the truth. None of my friends have EVER thrown me a party or even asked what I might like to do to celebrate, or have taken me out to acknowledge the occasion. Again, not complaining, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed.

But! My best friend sent me this gorgeous floral arrangement with the sweetest note and it made me cry. It was such a thoughtful gesture, and to be thought of, on any occasion — but especially remembered of my birthday — is SO special and amazing. I love you 🍌— ❤️😘💛 — you’re truly the sister I’ve never had.


So I went on this date, and I’ve never felt more confident or in control going into a date in my life.

Because now I know.

Now I know what I will and will not accept.

Now I know what I will and will not tolerate.

Now I know what I’m looking for: family = a happy life ABOVE one’s career.

Now I know I’m my best self.


Now I respect myself.

Now I’m not eff-ed up about my Dad like I was when he died six years ago.

Now I am old enough to decide whether I’m going to go back to my date’s condo the first time I meet him or not — (I didn’t.)

Now I am sure enough with myself to allow myself to kiss on a first date BUT ONLY IF I WANT TO — (I did).

Now, I’m understanding that my looks and personality attract a DIFFERENT potential mate who called me WHILE I was driving to THIS first date to tell me he wasn’t nervous because he knew he’d “win” [me]. (Hot, but only because I’m attracted to this other guy.)


Guys are literally begging for my time.

AND, I’m being 100% honest about everything that I wasn’t ready to be honest about with HWSNBNA. (And that’s not his fault.)

But not only did the guy I think I’m the most interested in text me during the date…but the guy I went on the date with was texting then calling me as soon as he got home.

This shorty got game, y’all!


Happy Birthday to me!!!!!

I feel AMAZING!

Thank you to everyone who has given me support during this time and encouraged me to get back out there.

I love you all ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘😘😘🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 it’s “All Because of You.”

✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️&♥️ always

You Ain’t Nobody ‘Til You Got Somebody. Oh, I Mean The Exact Opposite Of That.

As my 34th birthday approaches I’ve been thinking about how stagnant I’ve been feeling. That is…until last week.

I’ve been going out alone a lot. I’ve been meeting new people. I’ve been cementing old relationships. I’ve been trying really hard to figure “it” out.

Itcan’t be figured out. (Just ask Stephen King…am I right?) So I stopped thinking so dratting much and started doing. Just doing and doing and doing.

It looks good on me y’all.

I’m going to stop thinking so much about good-griefing EVERYTHING for awhile and see how that crapola goes.

✌️&♥️