All posts by justcallmetaco

About justcallmetaco

I don't fuck around --- not in my writing --- and not in my life. I'm a powerful woman who has finally found herself. I hope you find me too. I'm a Bitch who simultaneously wants to make everyone's life better, every day. I hate everyone until I breathe. It's good that I breathe, like, all the time so far in my life.

I Feel…Cold. No, Hot. Dude, Where’s My Sweatshirt?!

“It’s not your home so you should get all your shit out!!!!!!!”

That’s what I want to say to my Fibromyalgia.

I was just reading one of the many forums I belong to for support, and everyone was commenting on and connecting about how our sex lives have changed due to Fibro.

The consensus?

“What sex life?”

There is also a lot of guilt for those of us it affects because of how it affects or had affected our relationships, sometimes tearing them apart.

TMI trigger warning: after a year and a half of telling me it didn’t matter to him, my ex told me he needed sex or the relationship wouldn’t be worth it anymore. Since I couldn’t promise that to him, and I hadn’t even been properly diagnosed yet, that was effectively the literal breaking point.

So, about nine months later, I went shopping. And took this picture of myself. I like the picture, and I like my Converse. I’m pretty sure I noticed for the first time that I lost weight.

I reentered the dating scene with a vengeance. I have talked about some of that, I think, in prior posts. But the one thing I really can’t get over is this double standard of bullshit that exists.

The men I’ve met:

  • want to commit right away
  • don’t want to commit at all, or,
  • maybe want to eventually commit, but don’t want to put a lable on it, and definitely don’t want you seeing or sleeping with other people while they decide if you’re worth it or not.

It’s that last one that is killing me.

I classically enter abusive relationships. They’re not always physically abusive. But they ARE almost ALWAYS psychologically abusive.

Apparently I haven’t learned much after being out of commission for eleven months. I had wanted to take my self-care extremely seriously and to give myself time to heal as a person before jumping back into that dating pool.

And I can get dates, I’ve learned. I can get a ton of dates. Literally over 2,000 dates, and growing.

But, what do I do when the guy I am the most interested in (so I give in to his requirements) not only has me eating out of his dog’s bowl begging for more (while he’s insisting we don’t know each other very well so we should “keep it light”) loses his fucking mind? When he starts changing the words I say to start some kind of fight? When he tells me I’m doing something I’m not actually doing? When he literally tells me to “get out” of his place mid-conversation because he’s decided he’s done with me in that moment and that his needs are more important than mine? And finally, when he tells me that he won’t get tested for STIs even though he wants to have sex because the last thing that he has to hold on to shit about his ex is that she maybe didn’t cheat on him.

Newsflash: you can both be cheated on AND still not get STIs.

None of that sounded extremely healthy to me.

But Jesus Christ.

That’s where I was.

Falling. Too fast. Too hard.

There’s obviously something about him that I really didn’t want to let go of, but maybe I should have much sooner.

I universally idealize the men I date to the point where I’m then idolizing them. I know I do this. I want to be wanted so badly, that I give up vast parts of myself in order to keep partners around. I play the guessing game.

I’m supposed to be in my friend’s wedding in just over a week. I tried on all of these dresses, and now the one I picked doesn’t fit because I lost some weight. Ok. A lot of weight, for two months.

My friend called me fat. So I stopped eating. I don’t enjoy eating anyway. I also stopped caring about myself for awhile. So. Yeah.

Plus, also, I can’t deal with my Fibro right now.

Let’s call this guy I was most interested in, “Binny.” Binny was supposed to come to the wedding with me. He said he would. He claimed he’d help me get through it regarding my Fibro problems. The idea of him being there even gave me hope that I could actually do it without too much stress.

But he fucked it up.

I have another post coming very soon. It’s my commentary on how internet dating has changed since I’d been online dating ten years ago.

It got different. Almost overnight. Like Binny became a totally different person.

He went from asking me to send him texts all night long while he was sleeping (he goes to bed early for the only respectable job he’s ever had, and I am always up late) and all day while he was at work so he would have something to look forward to reading, to, asking me if I ACTUALLY felt that sending him 25+ texts without a response was “appropriate.”

What the actual fuck?! He literally flipped the switch on EVERYTHING. And I have dealt with gaslighting before, but Binny was the King of the strategy of making one (me) feel absolutely insane.

I really don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. I REALLY fell for him. Well, I guess I really fell for the idea of him.

In the beginning, he told me things I’ve heard so many times before.

He cited to me the reasons that I’m amazing.

The ones who I can never seem to “keep” are the ones that fall the hardest for me the fastest. And I knew once I realized he had, it would never last.

It’s really like these guys can’t believe I care about them so they start to treat me like garbage to level the playing field, except I never see it coming until it’s too late. Way, way too late.

Binny vaped. Guess what I do now. I vape. Do you think that’s healthy behavior? I don’t.

But, I also don’t give a fuck anymore.

That’s where I am.

I don’t give a fuck.

For the record, I don’t think this is a good place for me to be.

So, that’s happening.

🎢β™₯️✌️

Dissecting Why I Want To Dance A little Slower — And Other Orgasmic Thoughts

I went to another O.A.R. concert alone on June 6th, and it was beyond orgasmic. As I told a guy I know through this dating app that had been a whirlwind, who is also a fan, it was better than sex.

He said he felt sad that I had originally had such horrible sex, but he’s an idiot. An OAR concert gets to me in a way no sex ever could.

I’m not saying sex sucks.

I’m not even saying I’ve ever had bad sex.

I’m saying I probably shouldn’t have compared the two. 🀣🀣🀣

It’s, essentially, a testament to the band, that if I had to choose between enjoyable sex and any time they play, I’d take the concert every single time.

In a previous post I mentioned I really didn’t take many pictures except with my friends prior to OAR coming onstage:

Aaaaaaand the video above the above picture is the only video I took that day (which is not visual perfection) because there, alone — I was just rocking the eff out — didn’t care who thought I was a dork, nothing, just happy to be with my favorite band and their amazing fans!

I was out, enjoying ME, (as much as my Fibro allowed).

Also in the news of my life…πŸ˜ŽπŸ€£πŸ€—πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜˜πŸ˜πŸ₯°…

Sunday, June 23rd, I met a man who wouldn’t be the worst guy to marry. Or maybe not. I’m wrong all the time.

I opened up my heart to new opportunities.

I went on some very bad dates. I enjoyed them for the most part (because even the bad ones were hilarious), but at the end of the day/night/whatever you call it, last Sunday’s was hands down the best I’ve had in six years.

But I also met another guy who I have so much in common with and am happy to be spending time with. And maybe he’s why I’m wrong in the long run about the above mentioned date. Maybe I met the guy I’m going to marry on June 29th.πŸŒœπŸŒ›πŸ€·

I know I’m doing things the way that is honest and good. But I did get the best hug tonight. And human contact, and good hugs, are so freaking great, right?!

Segues are weird.

These are the lyrics to O.A.R.’s song “All Because of You” (which they did not play during the June 6th show but the song IS on their new album, The Mighty): the lyrics will be in italics and my thoughts will not be in italics.

🎢Take, take, take the little moment
Don’t, dont, don’t forget to hold ’em
Stay, stay, stay a little longer – take a moment to appreciate what you have with your significant other, holding your SO means a lot and it’s worth spending time on, don’t be so eager to leave

Can, can, can you hear the night talk?
Two hearts beating on a sidewalk
Put your head on my shoulder – the universe is telling us what’s good between us, we don’t have to say anything as we walk together tonight, I want to be closer to you
I want to matter when we go outside, and – this is REAL
Hold your hand when we say goodnight, and
Tell you how I’m gonna to make our dreams come true – I want to stay close to you, I’m so committed to this that I am going to work on dreams that we share
All because of you
I made a promise in the morning breezes – in a moment, I promised myself, for you
You can have all the space you need, and
You know me better than you’ll ever need to prove – I’ll be good to you, because you have been so good to me
All because of you
All because of you
Wake, wake, wake up to you smiling
Don’t, dont, don’t know where the time went
Can we dance a little slower? – I want to wake up to you smiling, forever, why does time go faster around those we love, can we spend every second of our lives together without it flying by so fast that our bubble of incredible happiness pops?; let’s breathe together for as long as we can
I, I, I’ll be here forever – I’m never letting you down, I’ll be here, I promise myself to you
We’re so good when we’re together – we make each other better
Let me hold you ’til we’re older – let’s do this
I want to matter when we go outside, and
Hold your hand when we say goodnight, and
Tell you how I’m gonna to make our dreams come true
All because of you
I made a promise in the morning breezes
You can have all the space you need, and
You know me better than you’ll ever need to prove
All because of you
(Da da da da da, da da da,
da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da)
All because of you
(Da da da da da, da da da,
da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da)
It’s all because…
I want to matter when we go outside, and
Hold your hand when we say goodnight, and
Tell you how I’m gonna to make our dreams come true
It’s all because of you
I made a promise in the morning breezes
You can have all the space you need, and
You know me better than you’ll ever need to prove
All because of you
I know that I can be a better man, – I want to be my best self for us and
Learn to run when it’s hard to stand, – you’re worth every second of difficulty we go through and
Find the songs in everything you do – I will appreciate you with the purest and must dedicated love I haven’t yet given you
It’s all because of you
I never thought I’d find you in this life – I had given up on being truly happy until I found you
Broken shadows disappear tonight – you make everything feel safe and new
You’re the reason that all my dreams come true – everything good on my life?; it’s all because of you
All because of you
(Da da da, da da da da da, da da da,
da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da)🎢

OR maybe the song’s just about how music is amazing, brings everyone together, and helps the world heal.

I just think it’s super romantic, and, after dissecting it so succinctly, I realize I’d have to write an essay about it to really do it justice.

I’m in trouble. I feel a storm brewing inside me, and it’s going to be something.

When I listened to this song the first twenty times I basically decided it was amazing and then beyond amazing and then wanted to dissect them because I want to probably make this my wedding song. Until they come out with their next and this my next favorite song.

🎢β™₯️✌️

Farrago (A Confused Mixture) Post EX, Lover.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!! I’m officially 34 years young today!


I’ve been having a really amazing upswing since last week. I hope it keeps going!!! I’m feeling so optimistic!


Last night I went on my first date in six years. Let THAT sink in for a second.

He wasn’t Adam Driver, but, hey, nobody’s perfect.


(If you know anyone who looks exactly like that and is single please let me know ASAP because I would truly yield to everything for all of him.)

Anyway!

It was fantastic. Another guy who was basically worshipping me after everything I’ve been through in the past few years? Yes, please, and thank you. He even was great with my Fibro pain.


Except — who goes out on Mondays? πŸ˜‰ (It’s a reference to a Chainsmokers song if you didn’t get that.)

He was good looking. He had a stupidly-over-the-top car which always makes me think someone is overcompensating for a PERSONALITY trait.

I’m talking to several guys right now — as it goes with dating apps.

I needed to move way beyond Voldemort. Oh…shoot. I mean He Who Shall Never Be Named Again.

Right now it’s raining outside and it sounds and smells amazing. That means my plants and flowers are being watered.


Random. I know.

I’m owning it today. I don’t think I’ve had a “meaningful” feeling-good-about-it birthday since my sweet sixteen.

I’m not complaining. I’m just telling the truth. None of my friends have EVER thrown me a party or even asked what I might like to do to celebrate, or have taken me out to acknowledge the occasion. Again, not complaining, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed.

But! My best friend sent me this gorgeous floral arrangement with the sweetest note and it made me cry. It was such a thoughtful gesture, and to be thought of, on any occasion — but especially remembered of my birthday — is SO special and amazing. I love you 🍌— β€οΈπŸ˜˜πŸ’› — you’re truly the sister I’ve never had.


So I went on this date, and I’ve never felt more confident or in control going into a date in my life.

Because now I know.

Now I know what I will and will not accept.

Now I know what I will and will not tolerate.

Now I know what I’m looking for: family = a happy life ABOVE one’s career.

Now I know I’m my best self.


Now I respect myself.

Now I’m not eff-ed up about my Dad like I was when he died six years ago.

Now I am old enough to decide whether I’m going to go back to my date’s condo the first time I meet him or not — (I didn’t.)

Now I am sure enough with myself to allow myself to kiss on a first date BUT ONLY IF I WANT TO — (I did).

Now, I’m understanding that my looks and personality attract a DIFFERENT potential mate who called me WHILE I was driving to THIS first date to tell me he wasn’t nervous because he knew he’d “win” [me]. (Hot, but only because I’m attracted to this other guy.)


Guys are literally begging for my time.

AND, I’m being 100% honest about everything that I wasn’t ready to be honest about with HWSNBNA. (And that’s not his fault.)

But not only did the guy I think I’m the most interested in text me during the date…but the guy I went on the date with was texting then calling me as soon as he got home.

This shorty got game, y’all!


Happy Birthday to me!!!!!

I feel AMAZING!

Thank you to everyone who has given me support during this time and encouraged me to get back out there.

I love you all β™₯️β™₯️β™₯️β™₯️β™₯️πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆ it’s “All Because of You.”

✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️&β™₯️ always

You Ain’t Nobody ‘Til You Got Somebody. Oh, I Mean The Exact Opposite Of That.

As my 34th birthday approaches I’ve been thinking about how stagnant I’ve been feeling. That is…until last week.

I’ve been going out alone a lot. I’ve been meeting new people. I’ve been cementing old relationships. I’ve been trying really hard to figure “it” out.

Itcan’t be figured out. (Just ask Stephen King…am I right?) So I stopped thinking so dratting much and started doing. Just doing and doing and doing.

It looks good on me y’all.

I’m going to stop thinking so much about good-griefing EVERYTHING for awhile and see how that crapola goes.

✌️&β™₯️

Something Rick-ed This Way Comes / Now Bring Me That Horizon / I Am An Admittedly Obsessed/Obsessive Person — And How The Commentary Tracks On The “Rick And Morty” Blu-rays Helped Me Be OK With That.

Happy — whatever day you’re reading this — day!

This a post about how people need to get woke when it comes to me 🀣✌️ I am one of millions of people who live with — and get treatment for — mental illness. I have Major Depressive Disorder, but more prominently, I have nearly EVERY type of Anxiety that EXISTS.

For all of my diagnosed Anxiety Disorders, I have medication, therapy, and coping mechanisms — all common, among other treatments for those of us with Anxiety Disorders.

One way I cope is with distraction.

Distraction currently helps me more than any other thing when I’m “thinking myself into insanity,” which IS a phrase I just made up, but it’s an accurate description.

Unfortunately for future generations, (handwriting matters, kids), but fortunately for me, it’s very easy to find an immediate distraction basically everywhere these days. That, also, however, has enhanced my distraction level to Threat Level Midnight.

My obsessiveness is strongly attracted to comedy.

And — because of my anxious perspective on everything, I’m often judged for my obsessions.

At least until I can finally convince everyone possible that I’m actually a genius πŸŽ‰πŸ€£.

I’ve been writing out the word, “okay” for many years now, and then I watched Silver Linings Playbook for the 729th time (I promise this is relevant to the theme of this post and not just another plug for that being one of the best movies ever — and I am reading the book it’s based off of for those of you wondering) — and asked my Mom if the story about where the phrase “OK” comes from is true (because fuck googling shit myself; that’s what a librarian is for!/THANK YOU MOMMY) and she confirmed it is a correct origin story and so now, I always write “OK” because I feel it is the most grammatically correct in origin.

I am an incredibly OBSESSIVE person about pretty much every single thing I do in my life.

This makes me feel alone, all of the time.

I’m SO observant that I can’t ever shut it off, which causes me to do “things” to alleviate hearing the little voice in my head on repeat saying “do it BETTER, you’re a waste of life!”

Though I know I’m actually not.

ENTER the FIRST crutch/lifesaver/distraction that worked in helping me NOT turn to self harm:

“Will Turner: This is either madness…or brilliance.
Jack Sparrow: It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

Flash forward to my early thirties and Rick and Morty and I are introduced.

It’s interesting that my two favorite distractions are high functioning alcoholics who have more knowledge than they’re comfortable with and more feelings than they can handle.

Story time y’all!!!πŸ€—πŸ€”πŸ§πŸ˜¬πŸ€­πŸ€―πŸ˜±πŸ˜ˆπŸ‘ΏπŸ˜‡ Shout out to my fellow humans with mental illness(es) who ARE able to (eff you, insanely expensive health insurance and co-pays) and therefore ARE getting help.


Once upon a time, when I was about to graduate from high school, I had a bunch of life situations PLUS chemical imbalances that cause(d) me to be properly medicated by professionals.

I said to my Mom at the ripe age of eighteen, “Mom, if you don’t take me to get help, I think I’m going to kill myself.”

And the next day, she made the appointments, because she was, and has been, and always will be, the best Mom EVER, to me.

Also, when I was eighteen, I saw the movie Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl, for the first time. And then eight times in theaters after that, and then hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of times on DVD after that. It was THE ONLY thing that grounded me and allowed me to get through my life during that time…Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow lived the life I wanted to live — I needed to live — I’m STILL trying to live.

And if you think this is unimportant, understand that it’s Canon to my existence. To this day I am surprised at how much I wanted a permanent tattoo that I could look at whenever I wanted/needed to which is highly visible, and directly inspires me, and reminds me to be a better, truer, version of myself — it’s EVERYTHING.

I have a slight bruise on it right now because I’ve been doing way more than is appropriate or acceptable for my pain levels — BUT I have a secret for you: life’s not fair. Boom. Roasted.

Peep my tatt!

So whenever I look down at my normally unbruised forearm, I remember what I’m trying to do with my life — obstacles be damned.

It stands for everything I need because it is the EXACT replica of the tattoo Johnny Depp got himself AFTER starring in “Pirates,” AND because of that it feels…correct.

It stands for the character, Captain Jack Sparrow.

It stands for being myself unapologetically.

To be as good as you can, but break some rules.

Do what is best.

Let people think you’re a legend in some way, for some reason.

Treat everyone well if you can.

Stay optimistic.

ALWAYS be looking for the Horizon.

ALWAYS expect that my friends will have my back.

ALWAYS navigate whatever the fuck life hands you, and keep the MOST positive attitude you possibly can about all of it.

BE one step ahead of everything you possibly can.

Appreciate the possibilities of everything that’s NEVER been done, or explored, or conquered (those waves and our Sun connecting to the Horizon).

Be as free as a Sparrow.

And if people don’t like me? — then that’s on them.

Period.

The end.

“This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly…stupid.

Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

To “take what you can — give nothing back!” – Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

(Gary and I used to take shots of apple cider vinegar and say the above beforehand because talk about gross 😝🀒πŸ₯΅! But it made him laugh and it made me happy. THAT’S how I roll with ish.)

The point is, I HAVE to have the confidence to unapologetically “do me” while being and believing that I’m a good person.


Fast forward to now, through a whole bunch of crazy changes that I credit to both of my parents for navigating through — and driving me — wherever, whenever — and protecting me in every way possible and +++++++++++ etc. — and — I’m still in therapy and on medication to control what needs to be controlled.

I want to say to everyone who suggested that I “get help” or “get more help” or “get better help” or to quote that member of “my [ex Church],” DIRECTLY, “get the help you so desperately need,” — ***YOU’RE*** not paying attention.

I DO get helpregularly.

EVERY.

WEEK.

This is me with help. So in my traditional fashion: eff you for judging me, a-hole.

You should NOT assume you know my life and what I do in a day — BECAUSE YOU DON’T — and what’s worse — you haven’t even asked.

😑🀬😑🀬😑🀬

So here we are, folks.

So, Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty is another Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl for me.

I didn’t know what Rick and Morty was until Gary tried to convert me. He showed me some clips from various episodes, and I was so unimpressed initially! But then it became my new Pirates.

As in, I watch it so constantly and obsessively that I feel embarrassed to admit the extent of my obsession.

And it’s a pretty rough show in terms of believing in ANYTHING other than nihilism (which I understand is a sentence that is inherently contradictory). There’s lots of violence, cursing, and dark humor. But I relate to the ideas expressed in the show on a very deep level.

I’m a dark person inside with a very dark mind and an even darker sense of humor.

I often listen to the commentary all day long as I take care of business. Business is writing, for the most part, with a little coloring to boot.

I will watch the same episode over and over and over and over again.

The reason I titled this post as I did — is because during one of the above mentioned commentary episodes — Dan Harmon (also of the show Community if you don’t know) specifically says that it is quite important to him that fans of Rick and Morty know that he doesn’t think it’s bad or weird or anything like that if they want to obsess over the show — that those of us who do — shouldn’t feel shame or judged (which is really effing nice to hear for a change).

Dan Harmon says in the season two, episode two commentary track, “I have always felt it’s very important to send the message, whenever you can, to viewers, that they shouldn’t be ashamed of themselves to the extent they want to obsess about your show. It’s like, well, we work on it all day and all night too. If you want to, as a viewer, wanna obsess about it, like, you can. Like, we’re never gonna say to you, ‘you’re stupid, it’s just a show.'”

So — I now feel justified in my obsession.

So I won’t be ashamed of this:

Or this.

Or this.

So there you go! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much proof.

Basically, now I feel just a little bit more OK.

In conclusion, my point is that my anxiety breeds obsession, which can be a healthy way to distract someone (me) whose anxiety is crippling them (me). I am no longer ashamed of my obsessions because they help me in ways that are so much less dangerous than the ways I used to choose.

And since I’ve heard that FINALLY at least one more human (Dan Harmon) unapologetically allows for obsession, I feel vindicated, less insane, and OK.

So, please STOP suggesting I need to get “help.”

You don’t know my life any more than I know yours.

Think about how you’d feel if someone said to you what you’re saying to me.

Yeah.

In the spirit of being a bridge burner, (my speciality), you’re beyond rude, (AND — INCREDIBLY insulting) at best.

A question about whether I’m getting help or not is still intrusive, but I’ll take it to the alternative suggestion that I should (when I already do).

Sooooooooooo, shut up — OR — be better!!! πŸ˜˜πŸ˜‡

If we all stopped judging each other and trying to “fix” or change each other I think things would be better in general.

Food for thought.

Finally, my Mom has been wearing a friendship bracelet every single day that I gave to her because she’s the best Good Griefing Mom in the whole Dratting world.

I know people say this a lot to other people when someone close to them dies, but I think the older you get, the more you really do live the whole, “hug your parent(s) tight tonight if you’re lucky enough to still have them,” thing.

Pretty much the exact speech J.K. Simmons gave when he won the Oscar for Whiplash.

Do that.

✌️ and β™₯️ to ALL!

You Know It’s Ancient History. And If You’re Having Trouble Baby, Holding On To Memories, I’ve Got A King Sized Bed And A PhD In The Way It Used To Be.

Something AMAZING happened.

As soon as I wrote my last post about my ex, Gary, I felt better. Well, like I said, I also reached out to him to no avail which also helped, I’m sure, but mainly I think I’m done fighting for “this” alone.

And actually, it feels so silly upon reflection.

Not like in a, “write a letter but don’t send it” kind of way, because I’ve essentially been doing that for months.

But in a, “Dude. What you are saying to yourself is ridiculous. He’s only one guy,” way.

In a, I’ll never stop fighting for my dreams, ESPECIALLY, at such a critical point, way.

In a, there’s a reason the guy at (________ <— store name here) spends as much time with me as possible when I go in and maybe it’s time to stop acting uninterested, way.

In a, there’s a reason why a small group hangs out with me after every class, and then a specific guy hangs back even after that to speak with me alone even longer, way.

In a, I look really good these days according to everyone in my life so BELIEVE IT and feel good about my body and beauty for a change, way.

In a, smack smack SMACK (third one for good measure) across my own face for even thinking of giving up what I NEVER would have before, way.

In a, I’m FINALLY free from something that kept me in a self-loathing prison, and maybe being away from Gary isn’t a coincidence, way.

In a, I realize I’m healthy enough to surrender to love while recognizing that’s something Gary could never do for me, way.

In a, I have put it out into the universe enough now, and I’m just going to stop caring and start throwing his stuff out because I have NO place in my life OR my heart for it ANYMORE, way.

In a, I won’t keep doing this to myself, way.

In a, I deserve what I want just as much as anyone else so I’m putting down that past and racing toward making those goals happen, way.

✌️ and ❀️ to ALL!