Happy — whatever day you’re reading this — day!
This a post about how people need to get woke when it comes to me 🤣✌️ I am one of millions of people who live with — and get treatment for — mental illness. I have Major Depressive Disorder, but more prominently, I have nearly EVERY type of Anxiety that EXISTS.
For all of my diagnosed Anxiety Disorders, I have medication, therapy, and coping mechanisms — all common, among other treatments for those of us with Anxiety Disorders.
One way I cope is with distraction.
Distraction currently helps me more than any other thing when I’m “thinking myself into insanity,” which IS a phrase I just made up, but it’s an accurate description.
Unfortunately for future generations, (handwriting matters, kids), but fortunately for me, it’s very easy to find an immediate distraction basically everywhere these days. That, also, however, has enhanced my distraction level to Threat Level Midnight.
My obsessiveness is strongly attracted to comedy.
And — because of my anxious perspective on everything, I’m often judged for my obsessions.
At least until I can finally convince everyone possible that I’m actually a genius 🎉🤣.
I’ve been writing out the word, “okay” for many years now, and then I watched Silver Linings Playbook for the 729th time (I promise this is relevant to the theme of this post and not just another plug for that being one of the best movies ever — and I am reading the book it’s based off of for those of you wondering) — and asked my Mom if the story about where the phrase “OK” comes from is true (because fuck googling shit myself; that’s what a librarian is for!/THANK YOU MOMMY) and she confirmed it is a correct origin story and so now, I always write “OK” because I feel it is the most grammatically correct in origin.
I am an incredibly OBSESSIVE person about pretty much every single thing I do in my life.
This makes me feel alone, all of the time.
I’m SO observant that I can’t ever shut it off, which causes me to do “things” to alleviate hearing the little voice in my head on repeat saying “do it BETTER, you’re a waste of life!”
Though I know I’m actually not.
ENTER the FIRST crutch/lifesaver/distraction that worked in helping me NOT turn to self harm:
“Will Turner: This is either madness…or brilliance.
Jack Sparrow: It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.”
– Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl
Flash forward to my early thirties and Rick and Morty and I are introduced.
It’s interesting that my two favorite distractions are high functioning alcoholics who have more knowledge than they’re comfortable with and more feelings than they can handle.
Story time y’all!!!🤗🤔🧐😬🤭🤯😱😈👿😇 Shout out to my fellow humans with mental illness(es) who ARE able to (eff you, insanely expensive health insurance and co-pays) and therefore ARE getting help.
Once upon a time, when I was about to graduate from high school, I had a bunch of life situations PLUS chemical imbalances that cause(d) me to be properly medicated by professionals.
So, I said to my Mom at the ripe age of eighteen, “Mom, if you don’t take me to get help, I think I’m going to kill myself.”
And the next day, she made the appointments, because she was, and has been, and always will be, the best Mom EVER, to me.
Also, when I was eighteen, I saw the movie Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl, for the first time. And then eight times in theaters after that, and then hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of times on DVD after that. It was THE ONLY thing that grounded me and allowed me to get through my life during that time…Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow lived the life I wanted to live — I needed to live — I’m STILL trying to live.
And if you think this is unimportant, understand that it’s Canon to my existence. To this day I am surprised at how much I wanted a permanent tattoo that I could look at whenever I wanted/needed to which is highly visible, and directly inspires me, and reminds me to be a better, truer, version of myself — it’s EVERYTHING.
I have a slight bruise on it right now because I’ve been doing way more than is appropriate or acceptable for my pain levels — BUT I have a secret for you: life’s not fair. Boom. Roasted.
Peep my tatt!
So whenever I look down at my normally unbruised forearm, I remember what I’m trying to do with my life — obstacles be damned.
It stands for everything I need because it is the EXACT replica of the tattoo Johnny Depp got himself AFTER staring in “Pirates,” AND because of that it feels…correct.
It stands for the character, Captain Jack Sparrow.
It stands for being myself unapologetically.
To be as good as you can, but break some rules.
Do what is best.
Let people think you’re a legend in some way, for some reason.
Treat everyone well if you can.
ALWAYS be looking for the Horizon.
ALWAYS expect that my friends will have my back.
ALWAYS navigate whatever the fuck life hands you, and keep the MOST positive attitude you possibly can about all of it.
BE one step ahead of everything you possibly can.
Appreciate the possibilities of everything that’s NEVER been done, or explored, or concurred (those waves and our Sun connecting to the Horizon).
Be as free as a Sparrow.
And if people don’t like me? — then that’s on them.
“This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.”
– Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl
“I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly…stupid.”
– Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl
To “take what you can — give nothing back!” – Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl
(Gary and I used to take shots of apple cider vinegar and say the above beforehand because talk about gross 😝🤢🥵! But it made him laugh and it made me happy. THAT’S how I roll with ish.)
The point is, I HAVE to have the confidence to unapologetically “do me” while being and believing that I’m a good person.
Fast forward to now, through a whole bunch of crazy changes that I credit to both my parents for navigating through and driving me wherever, whenever, and protecting me in every way possible and +++++++++++ etc. — and — I’m still in therapy and on medication to control what needs to be controlled.
I want to say to everyone who suggested that I “get help” or “get more help” or “get better help” or to quote that member of “my [ex Church],” DIRECTLY, “get the help you so desperately need,” — ***YOU’RE*** not paying attention.
I DO get help — regularly.
This is me with help. So in my traditional fashion: eff you for judging me, a-hole.
You should NOT assume you know my life and what I do in a day — BECAUSE YOU DON’T — and what’s worse — you haven’t even asked.
So here we are, folks.
So, Rick and Morty.
Rick and Morty is another Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl for me.
I didn’t know what Rick and Morty was until Gary tried to convert me. He showed me some clips from various episodes, and I was so unimpressed initially! But then it became my new Pirates.
As in, I watch it so constantly and obsessively that I feel embarrassed to admit the extent of my obsession.
And it’s a pretty rough show in terms of believing in anything other than nihilism (which I understand is inherently contradictory). There’s lots of violence, cursing, and dark humor. But I relate to the ideas expressed in the show on a very deep level.
I’m a dark person inside with a very dark mind and an even darker sense of humor.
I often listen to the commentary all day long as I take care of business.
I will watch the same episode over and over and over and over again.
The reason I titled this post as I did — is because during one of the above mentioned commentary episodes — Dan Harmon (also of the show Community if you don’t know) specifically says that it is quite important to him that fans of Rick and Morty know that he doesn’t think it’s bad or weird or anything like that if they want to obsess over the show — that those of us who do — shouldn’t feel shame or judged (which is really effing nice to hear for a change).
Dan Harmon says in the season two, episode two commentary track, “I have always felt it’s very important to send the message, whenever you can, to viewers, that they shouldn’t be ashamed of themselves to the extent they want to obsess about your show. It’s like, well, we work on it all day and all night too. If you want to, as a viewer, wanna obsess about it, like, you can. Like, we’re never gonna say to you, ‘you’re stupid, it’s just a show.'”
So — I now feel justified in my obsession.
So I won’t be ashamed of this:
Basically, now I feel OK.
About my literal obsession, which I am now showing you.
So there you go! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much proof.
Occasionally, I NEED to be grounded by repetition, which I think helps me BE healthy. And since I’ve heard that FINALLY at least one more human (Dan Harmon) unapologetically allows for obsession, I feel vindicated, less insane, and better.
In conclusion, my point is that my anxiety breeds obsession, which can be a healthy way to distract someone (me) whose anxiety is crippling them (me). I am no longer ashamed of my obsessions because they help me.
So, please STOP suggesting I need to get “help.”
You don’t know my life any more than I know yours.
Think about how you’d feel if someone said to you what you’re saying to me.
In the spirit of being a bridge burner, (my speciality), you’re beyond rude, (AND — INCREDIBLY insulting) at best.
A question about whether I’m getting help or not is still intrusive, but I’ll take it to the alternative suggestion I should (when I already do).
Sooooooooooo, shut up — OR — be better!!! 😘😇
If we all stopped judging each other and trying to “fix” or change each other I think things would be better in general.
Food for thought.
Finally, my Mom has been wearing a friendship bracelet every single day that I gave to her because she’s the best Good Griefing Mom in the whole Dratting world.
I know people say this a lot to other people when someone close to them dies, but I think the older you get, the more you really do live the whole, “hug your parent(s) tight tonight if you’re lucky enough to still have them,” thing.
Pretty much the exact speech J.K. Simmons gave when he won the Oscar for Whiplash.
✌️ and ♥️ to ALL!