Up is Down. Don’t ask my opinion. Don’t ask me to lie, then beg for forgiveness. For making you cry.

Happy mid-December 2019 y’all! What a year. I tallied 4/365 days this year that I felt “well” and that were good days for me in 2019.

I count.

I’ve always been terrible at math — something every law professor I ever had made a joke about in at least one lecture during the semester, which I always thought was odd as Hell — but I digress.

I had less than 1/52 weeks of “feeling good” time during this year we called 2019 (so far, anyway 🤞).

But I am SO grateful for those 4 days.

I keep telling and retelling the following “story” lately because it continues to be relevant and because I think it’s funny. And it is funny because of it’s veracity.

One day, longer into our relationship than I would have expected, my ex said to me, “you know…I used to think you were complaining and mad and yelling all the time, but then I realized that’s just how you talk.” Why did that guy stick around so long?! 😂

So when I say I’m grateful for the 4 days, you should believe that I’m not complaining or being sarcastic; you should believe me.

It could have been worse.

I could have had 0/365 days.

This is another post about my ex.

But in a way I have not yet written about him.

I love movies.

LOVE THEM.

I’m not a harsh critic, so I enjoy so many of them.

I still have a Netflix DVD/Blu-ray delivery plan — and I read you can’t even sign up for that anymore unless you’ve been a member of said plan for quite some time.

(I’m not even going to fact check that because I’m a middle child and like to — excuse me — need to feel special.)

I also love reading, especially books.

Something super bizarre, even for me, started happening a couple weeks ago.

Or maybe I just noticed it was happening a couple weeks ago.

This thing makes my heart ache, and my stomach queasy.

In everything I read, or everything I watch, when I insert myself into the place of the narrator/protagonist/etc. (which I think a lot of us do at least occasionally, right?) and whenever I’m assuming the perspective of a broken-hearted person, a hopeful person waiting for THE ONE they love to come back, or even worse, a person mourning a dead character — I’ve been mourning my ex of 5 years in the place of the missing character.

It’s always his face I see in that slot.

You know. Up in that good ole mind’s eye? He’s the one who broke my heart. He’s the one missing. He’s the dead character I’m mourning. He’s all those characters in my mind.

And, like I said, this is new to me. At least consciously.

I’m not talking about for a split second either.

I’m talking about the love of my life (don’t hate me for calling him that LB (if you’re reading this), I know and don’t necessarily disagree with everything you’ve said to me and I love and cherish your support♥️😘 but it’s where I’m at nevertheless) being gone, and my brain reminiscing about my long lost love.

My only long lost love.

The last man standing.

And yet, he’s alive! Which is a great thing!!!!!

But it’s driving me crazy.

I mean…this is me. Happy. At the dentist!

(He’s actually just a really great dentist with a really great staff.) That doesn’t make me any less crazy though.

Because I’m not used to giving up on things when they’re still possible.

I NEVER have and NEVER will be able to do that. I can never give up on someone I love.

(Just like I haven’t given up on my sister. I may be dead to her, but she’s not to me. Another day on those shenanigans.)

Remember the Godmother [the one my Mom supported my Dad in choosing for me] who disowned me this year? I called her two Sundays ago and opened the door. Whether she even touches the doorknob or not is yet to be seen (the call went straight to voicemail, and I haven’t heard back) — but at least I tried.

What else can I do?

But she’s a great example of someone I love who I didn’t give up on. She slapped me in the face — I think because I embarrassed her, very sincerely unintentionally — but I can’t continue living in good conscience knowing I didn’t at least try.

Like I always say — where there’s a WILL — try to get in it. I’m VERY much kidding. That’s awful and I just thought of it right now. My ex and I had the same sense of humor, and I’d venture he’s the only one who would not judge me for that tasteless joke.

I’m a 34 year old single woman and I still do things like this:

so I don’t know what you expect from me.

When I’m using my rational mind — I don’t even think mourning him is all that crazy.

We dated longer and lived together longer than some marriages last.

So, actually, it isn’t so crazy that he could have been my lost love who I mourn.

It happens to people committed to each other for fewer years than we were together all the time.

I’m about to spill a secret, so listen up; I NEVER didn’t think I’d be without him after I was with him.

From the start of the relationship I felt that we would ALWAYS be together, until I died. I swear on my life.

Maybe call that taking him for granted, because maybe I did.

The thought that we’d break up for real was not in my vocabulary of thoughts.

But it was in his.

I hope this passes.

Because unless he comes back, which I refuse to give up on, or lose my optimism about, until I’m actually dead, in one way or another, I’ll always be his.

Queue the lyrics to my song of choice for this revelation:

🎶I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then
But you’d never know
‘Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

I’ll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I’ll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I’ll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I’m older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that everyday’ll get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I’m so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We’ve come so far my dear
Look how we’ve grown
And I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we’re ghosts
‘Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I’m gonna love you till
My lungs give out
I promise till death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
Finally it’s just you and me till we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

Just say you won’t let go
Oh, just say you won’t let go🎶

James Arthur – “Say You Won’t Let Go”

I’m not done looking for a replacement.

But I’m also not accepting resumes while I’m working my program right now.

So, this is just some food for thought that I’m hoping someone reading this relates to during what can be a difficult season for many of us.

🎶♥️✌️ and as always — be good to each other ✌️♥️🎶

Nobody Knows You Better Than Me. Better Than The Lace You Wear. Every Single Detail Chantilly. Every Curl Inside Your Hair.

Topics I Want To Write About For The Hundreds Of People Who Read My Posts (And I’m Very Grateful For That Truth) ASAP:

  • My “Wellness Check” experience and everything about it.
  • My sister.
  • My Fibromyalgia and how my hands are barely functioning.
  • Christmas without….

If You Wait Around Awhile, I’ll Make You Fall For Me. I Promise You; I Will.

The purpose of this past is for one reason only.

I can’t handle being rejected.

I tried to figure out a great metaphor to provide you with a visualization of this feeling.

I failed.

I fail often.

People think I am not aware of my shortcomings, ironically.

I find this incredulous.

My shortcomings are the only things that I am aware of, in fact. Every moment. Every day. In my sleep, every night.

I digress.

The purpose of this post is for one reason only.

To inform.

For your understanding.

It’s astoundingly obvious to me now.

I lash out at everyone and every thing that rejects me.

I spit evil at everyone and every thing that rejects me.

I want to make everyone and every thing that rejects me feel the emotional pain that I feel as a result of said rejection.

So.

If I pretend to hate(???????) you (those who raped, sexually assaulted, or otherwise abused me (and those that protect and defend them) excluded of course) —

That is me reacting to your rejection of me.

That’s all.

The end.

✌️✌️✌️

🎶If you need a friend

Don’t look to a stranger
You know in the end, I’ll always be there
But when you’re in doubt
And when you’re in danger
Take a look all around, and I’ll be there
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me
I promise, I promise you I will
When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I’m gonna always be there
Sometimes if I shout
It’s not what’s intended
These words just come out
With no gripe to bear
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise you I will
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
And if I had to walk the world, I’d make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
And if I had to walk the world, I’d make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise you I will🎶

— “The Promise” by Sturgill Simpson


🎶♥️✌️

I’m A Free Bitch, Baby. And No It’s Not The Good Kind.

I’ve been wanting to write about my online dating experiences since they started.

And then, when I thought I had one crazy but great story, I had another one before I could even write about the first one.

Then another.

Then ANOTHER.

I started needing to take notes🤣🤦!

You get it.

I currently identify as Demisexual.

I’m not going to tell you the definition, so if you care you should look it up.

Regardless of identifying as Demisexual, I’ve been searching solely for a man to bond and hopefully mate with.

Don’t get me wrong.

I think women are hot and beautiful and gorgeous in so many forms.

But I’m not physically magnetically attracted to them the way I am to men.

(Still, I’d rather look at a naked woman over a naked man 2/3 times.)

For a few years I was confused.

I HAVE been totally and COMPLETELY in love with a woman, questioning whether or not I am gay, or bisexual.

Then I met a dude who identified as Demisexual. He explained it to me.

And it finally all made sense.

I’m not asexual — something I believed I might be on and off since high school.

But I’m not.

I also am not into ANYONE who I don’t connect with deeply.

Thus, I’m Demisexual.

Fuck.

I wasn’t going to explain that.

🎶 Do you want to run away together?

I would say it was your best line ever.

Too bad I fell for it.🎶

– The Wreckers “Not the Good Kind”

I have got to stop being with the liars. More soon.

Be good to each other — 🎶♥️✌️

Oh, You Think I’m In Love? You May Say That I’m A Dreamer, But I’m Not.

Maybe you’re a target that I can’t break through.

Maybe you’re the trigger that I can’t undo.

Maybe you’re the end of my “acting out.”

Maybe you’re the person that I’ve fought “being about.”

I hope I can be your faithful someone; because love doesn’t die for me — not at all.

Loving you might hurt me — because it’s so very hard when I fall.

You’re exactly what I need right now; I have actually heard your call.

I know I’m not an easy load; at best? I’m such a haul.

But you? You aren’t like anyone that I’ve ever met before.

We’re playing like two high school kids; we don’t know what we’re getting into but damnit we both want more.

I never like to gamble much preferring Jack to score.

God damnitI’m falling in love and just like every other time I’ve never felt this way before.
🎶♥️✌️

Boy; Have I Been Having Boy Problems.

Hey hey y’all 👋😁!

(Since I was threatened I was tempted to take this down…but FUCK “men.”)

So here goes.

My Ode to Tinder

Everyone thinks they “know” something about tinder.

Except mostly they don’t, as I explain its grandeur.

In my experience, it’s straight up assumptions.

Calm the fuck down; I’m only huntin’.

Even a good friend judged me hard when she heard; she’s been a feminist for some time and I expected more from her.

“That site is only for sex; you won’t find anyone there!” Actually it’s not; but you sure do care.

I remembered how she laughed over the phone. She’d changed a lot recently; then left me completely alone.

But here goes my experience so far, I hope you enjoy it; I’m fighting with legal right now, a man I rejected trying to destroy shit.

I will agree — a lot of members need to grow up; but just leave it alone, man, I’m already drowning in muck.

“I’m not looking for anything serious right now
But I can tell that you are… ”

“Oh thank God you asked me, straight up! Guess how much I can tell you about who YOU ‘are’!
Your assumptions are so literally and incredibly on par.”

“All I’m saying is chill the fuck out, I don’t want you three nights in a row.

“Holy Shit, I have to get this Bitch out; I won’t want her tomorrow!”

“Oh calm the fuck down, nothing’s happening anyway.”

“What do you mean!?!? I thought you wanted to stay!!!”

Meantime, you go to old friends for help; you’re hoping to make your full case before they explain how they felt.

Unfortunately, they’re mostly just looking to fix a me that ain’t broken. If I had it my way this shit wouldn’t need to be spoken.

And the best part of all is, the dude I’d complain about this shit to just died. By mid-September I sat alone at his funeral and cried.

People on Facebook pretending they knew him recently. Jesus Christ, you haven’t talked to him in years so let this man rest again, peacefully.

Him being gone has fucked me up more than anyone knows; when I look in the mirror it’s his reflection that shows.

I cry about it EVERY day, so what’s the solution? They want to send me away — it’ll give them absolution.

But every night now they know I can’t sleep alone; so after 8:00 P.M. men incessantly hit up my phone.

“So who’s this guy?

“Who’s this chump?”

“What the fuck do you care?

“The second I met you I was already dumped.

“I appreciate your candor and compliments, I really do.

“Especially since my online persona is so different than what really makes sense to few.

“You can listen to my voice. You can even observe my actions.

“But don’t say you don’t give a fuck then get all jealous in reactions.

“Report me to Tinder; that’s real fucking cute.

“Oh, shit; I forgot.

“Women are supposed to stay mute.

“Do I ever lay in bed lonely at night?”

Not a fucking chance, haters. You can’t take THIS light.

“I’m growing.

“I’m loving.

“My intentions are pure.

“Ok. They’re not.

“But that’s not what I’m doing this for.

“Honestly, a scary person from that scene will sneak by.

“‘Oh, did I rejet you?!’ PLEASE don’t fucking cry.

“It’s such a shame and I get you had to bring me down too.

“And I know you know that, which is why I ain’t choosin’ you.

“Now this right here is my holiday spirit: Fuck you? Never.

“I need you to hear it.

“But I can’t lie forever.

“FUCK your hold on my shit.”

“I’m going to deal with my injuries in the AM…but don’t you dare wake up acting kind.

“If you take enough drugs — then and only then — maybe you can try to be mine.

“I should be more upset that my project was fucked with.

“Except honestly, most days, it fucks up my shit.

“So just give up your end.

“Give me kisses all the way.

“I’m not worried about this today.

“It’s the night that won’t bend.

“So call me a slut, call me a whore, keep asking where my pussy has been.

“You think I give a FUCK about your uninformed opinion?

“But if you tell me your story and you try honestly —

“Oh wait, that’d be the man [almost ready to be] sleeping in the bed next to me.”

^ JK that man doesn’t exist yet but I’m taking applications and I’m pretty great if I do say so.

🎶♥️✌️

Into Thin Horror

How do you love someone who’s been torturing you emotionally/psychologically too many times to count? I think THOSE two things are the reasons I CAN be distracted.

Distraction kills my anxiety. In fact, it’s the ONLY thing that kills my anxiety.

I’ve lost my eidetic memory.
It’s 99.9% official.
Thanks, disease! Cheers to the Fibromyalgia: which CAN’T be treated, or cured correctly for — etc. etc. etc.— because I, and hundreds of thousands of people wake up EVERY day with SOME kind of bullshit.

I DEFINITELY lost a person I love (and was PROBABLY in love WITH) on 9/3.

https://youtu.be/BF-nZziUCCY
That’s a link to a music video for a song for which I find fitting for the above.

I ALSO haven’t been writing my book and/or writing my blog and/or writing ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL for some time now…

Except for this.

WHAT the ACTUALLY fuck?!

I’m depressed. And I can’t deal with ANYTHING right now.

I look at my phone when I wake up — and THEN??? I feel even MORE dead inside.

I ALSO sulk at the number of (triple digit) men asking me per day — BECAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT MY BREAK-UP WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE — would end in a RETURN.

I’ll never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER — have the ability — nor capacity — to get over, (let’s call him “Gar”, though I’m certain it doesn’t matter).

So, I’m acting out. Spiraling status = ⤵️

I AM, however, working on a project that I think will perfectly compliment my first book so well that perhaps they can be released at the same time.

I don’t care. I just want to be published by NOT myself.

I KNOW I can’t be with Gar. Because apparently, the love of my life, Gar, CAN’T or WON’T be with me.

Sorry for my inexplicably and annoyingly random desire to write this.

Cheers to TCW. I’ll miss       you all               the time.

🎶♥️✌️