Hey hey y’all 👋😁!
(Since I was threatened I was tempted to take this down…but FUCK “men.”)
So here goes.
My Ode to Tinder
Everyone thinks they “know” something about tinder.
Except mostly they don’t, as I explain its grandeur.
In my experience, it’s straight up assumptions.
Calm the fuck down; I’m only huntin’.
Even a good friend judged me hard when she heard; she’s been a feminist for some time and I expected more from her.
“That site is only for sex; you won’t find anyone there!” Actually it’s not; but you sure do care.
I remembered how she laughed over the phone. She’d changed a lot recently; then left me completely alone.
But here goes my experience so far, I hope you enjoy it; I’m fighting with legal right now, a man I rejected trying to destroy shit.
I will agree — a lot of members need to grow up; but just leave it alone, man, I’m already drowning in muck.
“I’m not looking for anything serious right now
But I can tell that you are… ”
“Oh thank God you asked me, straight up! Guess how much I can tell you about who YOU ‘are’!
Your assumptions are so literally and incredibly on par.”
“All I’m saying is chill the fuck out, I don’t want you three nights in a row.
“Holy Shit, I have to get this Bitch out; I won’t want her tomorrow!”
“Oh calm the fuck down, nothing’s happening anyway.”
“What do you mean!?!? I thought you wanted to stay!!!”
Meantime, you go to old friends for help; you’re hoping to make your full case before they explain how they felt.
Unfortunately, they’re mostly just looking to fix a me that ain’t broken. If I had it my way this shit wouldn’t need to be spoken.
And the best part of all is, the dude I’d complain about this shit to just died. By mid-September I sat alone at his funeral and cried.
People on Facebook pretending they knew him recently. Jesus Christ, you haven’t talked to him in years so let this man rest again, peacefully.
Him being gone has fucked me up more than anyone knows; when I look in the mirror it’s his reflection that shows.
I cry about it EVERY day, so what’s the solution? They want to send me away — it’ll give them absolution.
But every night now they know I can’t sleep alone; so after 8:00 P.M. men incessantly hit up my phone.
“So who’s this guy?
“Who’s this chump?”
“What the fuck do you care?
“The second I met you I was already dumped.
“I appreciate your candor and compliments, I really do.
“Especially since my online persona is so different than what really makes sense to few.
“You can listen to my voice. You can even observe my actions.
“But don’t say you don’t give a fuck then get all jealous in reactions.
“Report me to Tinder; that’s real fucking cute.
“Oh, shit; I forgot.
“Women are supposed to stay mute.
“Do I ever lay in bed lonely at night?”
Not a fucking chance, haters. You can’t take THIS light.
“My intentions are pure.
“Ok. They’re not.
“But that’s not what I’m doing this for.
“Honestly, a scary person from that scene will sneak by.
“‘Oh, did I rejet you?!’ PLEASE don’t fucking cry.
“It’s such a shame and I get you had to bring me down too.
“And I know you know that, which is why I ain’t choosin’ you.
“Now this right here is my holiday spirit: Fuck you? Never.
“I need you to hear it.
“But I can’t lie forever.
“FUCK your hold on my shit.”
“I’m going to deal with my injuries in the AM…but don’t you dare wake up acting kind.
“If you take enough drugs — then and only then — maybe you can try to be mine.
“I should be more upset that my project was fucked with.
“Except honestly, most days, it fucks up my shit.
“So just give up your end.
“Give me kisses all the way.
“I’m not worried about this today.
“It’s the night that won’t bend.
“So call me a slut, call me a whore, keep asking where my pussy has been.
“You think I give a FUCK about your uninformed opinion?
“But if you tell me your story and you try honestly —
“Oh wait, that’d be the man [almost ready to be] sleeping in the bed next to me.”
^ JK that man doesn’t exist yet but I’m taking applications and I’m pretty great if I do say so.